Catholic University Believes In Magic, But Not Gay People
The administration of Boston College, a Jesuit, Catholic university, released a video Thursday which suggests that they believe in magic, but have yet to provide evidence that the university believes in the existence of LGBTQ+ students.
Students, tour groups, and Potterheads alike have been drawing comparisons between the architecture of Main Campus, where the administration treats everyone who isn’t straight like fictional characters, and the fictional campus of Hogwarts, the wizarding school where the majority of the action takes place in J.K. Rowling’s best-selling series Harry Potter.
With the recent video receiving such positive reviews, the administration has reportedly been making plans to make Boston College even more like Hogwarts, where everyone was so distracted by potions and horcruxes, they forgot to question their heterosexuality.
Although Boston College still lacks a LGBTQ+ resource center, the university has reportedly added installing floating candles in Bapst Library to the ten-year plan.
“They just look so magical and mystical,” university spokesperson Jack Dunn said in a statement. “It’s like, how are they floating? So cool.”
“In a way, Harry is kind of like Jesus,” said President William P. Leahy, S.J., emerging from his office for the first time in a week, clutching all seven of Rowling’s books. “They both do miracles and triumph over the bad guy — in that way, I guess Voldemort is like Satan. I can’t believe I never read these before, there’s so many parallels between Hogwarts and BC!”
When asked if he was aware that Rowling had confirmed via Twitter that Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts, was a gay man, Leahy reportedly laughed.
“Dumbledore? Don’t be silly. Everyone knows gays aren’t real!”
At press time, Leahy was seen walking down to the construction site for the new recreation center to inform the crews that it would now be named after Severus Snape.