Boston College Administrators Apparently Under Impression That Wheelchairs Have Jetpacks
ACADEMIC QUAD — In an exclusive interview this afternoon about Boston College’s accessibility for people in wheelchairs, a duo of Boston College administrators seemed to not see the problem with the university’s possibly illegal deficit of wheelchair ramps and other typically standardized campus accessibility accommodations. The administrators’ lack of concern for the problems and headaches caused by Boston College’s hilly, stair-filled landscape apparently stems from their closely held assumption that wheelchairs have jetpacks to fly over staircases and other dangerous parts of Main Campus.
“What’s the big deal? Can’t they [people using wheelchairs] just like press a button and then, weeeee! They’re flying right over the steps?” said one administrator, making airplane noises after the end of his question. “C’mon, we wouldn’t have approved campus to be like this if we weren’t certain wheelchairs were equipped to fly with sweet, state-of-the-art jetpacks. Please, it’s not as if we’re inconsiderate, out-of-touch monsters sitting in our ivory towers. We care!”
The administrators later doubled down on these beliefs, stating that all crutches have “super springs” to bounce 20 feet in the air, and that anyone skateboarding through campus should be able to “pop an ollie” up or down any staircase, provided that they are “a true skater, and not just some fuckin’ poser.”
At press time, the administrators clarified that they were also under the impression that blind people were able to read accessibility signs written in fake braille just as well as the real thing.