Mom Can’t Believe You Got Kicked From Housing Group, Thought They Were All Very Nice Boys
SUBURBAN NEW JERSEY — Housing drama hit home Monday afternoon, when news reached Matt Kelly (CSOM ‘23) that he had been removed from his 8-man group following their failure to secure a pick time. Most affected by this news was Kelly’s mother, Linda, who was shocked that her son’s friends had so coldly left him in housing limbo.
“I just can’t believe those boys would do that,” Kelly (MCAS ‘95) said. “They were so kind and considerate at our tailgate on Parents Weekend.”
Mrs. Kelly, a neighborhood fixture due to her daily walks wearing a mask and gloves, was especially surprised that Matt was the one excluded. “You always talked about playing basketball with them,” Kelly, added, “and you all looked so nice in your formal outfits.”
Matt and his direct roommate Jason Bryant (CSOM ‘23) were reportedly booted from the group after a lengthy private group chat discussion, in which other group members expressed beliefs the two “could find another group” since they “had so many other friends.” The word came via text from the group leader Jack Thompson (MCAS ‘23), whose paragraph-long text was longer than any Kelly had received from him prior. The news was made official when Kelly and Bryant were unceremoniously removed from the “Walsh or Bust Boyz” group chat, landing another crushing blow to Kelly’s post-isolation mental health.
“I just can’t believe they decided on me,” Kelly said. “Jeremy and Paul were the last ones added, plus they don’t know half as many girls to invite to parties as me and Jason.” Kelly went on to describe the situation as “fucked,” a comment which Mrs. Kelly disapproved of as she “did not raise [him] to use that language.”
At press time, Kelly was seen enjoying fresh pizza rolls as he frantically texted people from his Perspectives class and drafted a Class of 2023 Facebook page post.