JavaScript is required. Please enable it to continue.
Your browser lacks required capabilities. Please upgrade it or switch to another to continue.
Loading…
,
,
<<audio MenuGo play>><<script>> UIBar.unstow();<</script>>You begin to stir from a <span class="spec"><<linkappend "DEEP SLUMBER."t8n>> <span class="reg">Your iHome alarm clock is currently blasting Twisted Sister's 1984 heavy metal anthem <span class="spec"><<linkappend "“I WANNA ROCK.”"t8n>> <span class="reg">This is the only song that consistently gives you the motivation you need to get out of bed and <<linkappend "start your day."t8n>> Whenever you're asked about it, you tell people that you were a <span class="spec">HUGE “SISTERHEAD”</span> back in the day. <<linkappend "This is a lie."t8n>> The first time you ever heard “I Wanna Rock” was in 2004, during the finale of <span class="spec">//THE SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS MOVIE//</span> (which you saw in theaters). <<linkappend "You like the song"t8n>>, but only because it reminds you of how the movie made you feel. <<timed 2.3s transition>>[[>> Get out of bed|Get out of bed.]]<</timed>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<playlist stop>><<audio AlarmClock play>>You get out of bed and <<linkappend "turn off your alarm."t8n>> You have a <span class="spec">POUNDING HEADACHE</span> and are <span class="spec">SLIGHTLY DIZZY</span>, but you successfully manage to put on one of the many <span class="spec">SATIN BATHROBES</span> that you have <<linkappend "in your closet."t8n>> As a matter of fact, satin bathrobes are the <span class="spec">ONLY THING</span> that you have in there. You're not in the mood to count them all, but it's safe to say that you're <span class ="spec"> <<linkappend "A BIT OF A STRANGE PERSON."t8n>> <span class="reg">You're having some difficulty remembering <span class="spec">WHO OR WHERE YOU ARE</span>, but you imagine a good morning shit should clear things up. <<timed 2.6s transition>>[[>> Go to the bathroom|Go to the bathroom.]]<</timed>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><<setplaylist "Jungle" "Jungle1" "Jungle1" "Jungle1">><<playlist play>><span class = "retro">You stumble into the <span class="spec">BATHROOM</span> and your gaze is immediately drawn to the <<linkappend "large mirror above the sink."t8n>> One glance in the mirror is all it takes for <<linkappend "everything to come flooding back."t8n>> You are <span class="spec">STEVE ADDAZIO</span>, the award-winning head coach of the <span class="spec">BOSTON COLLEGE EAGLES FOOTBALL TEAM</span>. <<linkappend "But you're more than just your day job, damn it."t8n>> More importantly, you are a <span class="spec">LOVING HUSBAND</span>, the father of three <span class="spec">BEAUTIFUL ADULT CHILDREN</span>, and a <span class="spec">GRILLED MEAT ENTHUSIAST</span>. You are standing in the bathroom of your home, which is located in the sleepy beachtown of <span class="spec"> DENNIS, MA</span>. <<linkreplace ">> Wait, “award-winning?”"t8n>> Yes, <span class="spec">AWARD-WINNING</span>. At the end of the 2014 season, the graduating seniors bought you a football-themed <span class="spec"><<linkappend "“WORLD'S GREATEST DAD” MUG."t8n>> <span class="reg">You proudly display this mug in your home and make a point of showing it off whenever friends and family come to visit. Your <span class="spec">BEAUTIFUL ADULT CHILDREN</span> are never impressed.</span><</linkappend>><</linkreplace>> [[>> Well, time to DO YOUR BUSINESS.|do your business.]]<</linkappend>><</linkappend>> <</linkappend>></span>
<<audio MenuGo play>>While you're sitting on the can, you take out your trusty <span class="spec"><<linkappend "IPOD TOUCH."t8n>> <span class="reg">You briefly note that the current time and date is <span class="spec">9:36 AM, MONDAY OCTOBER 8, 2018</span>. You begin to thumb through <<linkappend "your recent notifications."t8n>> You have 3 missed FaceTime calls from <span class="spec">FATHER LEAHY</span>, <<linkappend "which is 2 fewer than you're used to."t8n>> For some reason, that <span class="spec">FUCKING NERD</span> is always trying to hang with you. You're starting to wonder if he'll ever <span class="spec">TAKE THE HINT</span>.<</linkappend>> There's a notification from <span class="spec">GARFIELD: MY BIG FAT DIET</span>, which is <<linkappend "your new favorite game on the App Store."t8n>>(Previously, this title was reserved for <span class="spec">GARFIELD: SURVIVAL OF THE FATTEST</span>, but the new one has much better graphics.)<</linkappend>> You're only allowed to play games on your iPod for 45 minutes a day, so you'll come back to this <span class="spec">LATER</span>. Your <span class="spec">“BC FOOTBALL COACHING SQUAD 2K18” GROUPME</span> seems to be [[blowing up right now.|GroupMe]]<</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<cacheaudio "Title" "Title.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Twisted" "Twisted.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Twisted1" "Twisted1.mp3">> <<setplaylist "Twisted" "Twisted1" "Twisted1" "Twisted1">> <<cacheaudio "MenuGo" "MenuGo.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "MenuBack" "MenuBack.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Jungle1" "Jungle1.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "JungleNew" "JungleNew.mp3">> <<script>>;(function () { var favicon = document.createElement("link"); favicon.rel = "icon"; favicon.type = "image/png"; favicon.href = "https://thenewenglandclassic.com/wp-content/uploads/favicon.png"; document.head.appendChild(favicon); }());<</script>> <<cacheaudio "Baller" "HeIsABaller.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "LoosLikeDude" "LooksLikeDude.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "MajorDude" "MajorDude.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "SupremeDude" "SupremeDude.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "WhatsBetter" "WhatsBetter.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "GuysBeing" "GuysBeingDudes.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "WhatsBetterFull" "WhatsBetterFull.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Attractions" "Attractions.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "DudeSquare" "DudeSquare.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Dudefeller" "Dudefeller.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Liberty" "Liberty.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Dudenheim" "Dudenheim.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Dudepire" "Dudepire.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "TakeInSights" "TakeInSights.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "DudesDudettes" "DudesDudettes.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "UltimateDudes" "UltimateDudes.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "StuckInMiddle" "StuckInMiddle.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "DudeRightDudeLeft" "DudeRightDudeLeft.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "StillADude" "StillADude.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "BunchaDudes" "BunchaDudes.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "LottaDudes" "LottaDudes.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "ThatsADude" "ThatsADude.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "BeADude" "BeADude.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "TwoDudes" "TwoDudes.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "AlarmClock" "alarmclock.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Jungle" "Jungle.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Toilet" "Toilet.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Blue" "Blue.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Blue1" "blue1.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Baldwin" "Baldwin.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "DMX" "DMX.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Metallica" "Metallica.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "eagle" "eagle.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "CarDoor" "CarDoor.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Engine" "Engine.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Seven" "Seven.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Black" "Black.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Mind" "Mind.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Zipper" "Zipper.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Record" "Record.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Paint" "Paint.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Prayer" "Prayer.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Smooch" "Smooch.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Price" "Price.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Spooky" "Spooky.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Immigrant" "Immigrant.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Die" "Die.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Ding" "Ding.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Curb" "Curb.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "DontStop" "DontStop.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Fortnite" "Fortnite.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Snoop" "Snoop.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Inhale" "Inhale.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Chicken" "Chicken.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Gun" "Gun.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "USA" "USA.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Teenage" "Teenage.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "explode" "explode.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Brightside" "Brightside.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "4Boston" "4Boston.mp3">> <<if tags(passage()).includesAny("talk")>> <<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "visible">> <<else>> <<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "hidden">> <</if>>
<<script>> UIBar.stow();<</script>><<if $titlechirp is true>> <<audio MenuGo play>><</if>><<audio Title stop>><<audio 4Boston stop>><<if $MenuBack is true>><<audio MenuBack play>><</if>><<playlist play>><img src="PixelDaz3.gif" alt=""/><span class="copy"> </span><span class = "main"><div class="a">[[•START GAME•|Chapter 1]]<span class="selectC4"><div class="a"> </div></span>[[•ABOUT•|About]] [[•CREDITS•|Credits]] [[•CHAPTERS•|ChapSelec]] [[•SOUNDBOARD•|Soundboard]] </div></span><span class="copy"><div class="a"> © 2018 The New England Classic</div></span><<set $AboutBack to false>><<set $titlechirp to false>>
<<link [img[PixelDaz2.gif]]>> <<set $speak to either (2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22)>> <<if $speak eq 2>> <<audio LoosLikeDude play>> <<elseif $speak eq 3>> <<audio MajorDude play>> <<elseif $speak eq 4>> <<audio SupremeDude play>> <<elseif $speak eq 5>> <<audio WhatsBetterFull play>> <<elseif $speak eq 6>> <<audio Attractions play>> <<elseif $speak eq 7>> <<audio DudeSquare play>> <<elseif $speak eq 8>> <<audio Liberty play>> <<elseif $speak eq 9>> <<audio Dudenheim play>> <<elseif $speak eq 10>> <<audio Dudepire play>> <<elseif $speak eq 11>> <<audio TakeInSights play>> <<elseif $speak eq 12>> <<audio DudesDudettes play>> <<elseif $speak eq 13>> <<audio StuckInMiddle play>> <<elseif $speak eq 14>> <<audio DudeRightDudeLeft play>> <<elseif $speak eq 15>> <<audio StillADude play>> <<elseif $speak eq 16>> <<audio UltimateDudes play>> <<elseif $speak eq 17>> <<audio BunchaDudes play>> <<elseif $speak eq 18>> <<audio LottaDudes play>> <<elseif $speak eq 19>> <<audio ThatsADude play>> <<elseif $speak eq 20>> <<audio BeADude play>> <<elseif $speak eq 21>> <<audio TwoDudes play>> <<elseif $speak eq 22>> <<audio Dudefeller play>> <</if>><</link>> <span class= m>An interactive story starring Steve Addazio!</span>/* <<set $speak to 0>><<link [img[images/PixelDaz2.gif]]>> <<set $speak +=1>> <<if $speak eq 1>><<audio Baldwin play>> <<elseif $speak eq 2>> <<audio Toilet play>> <<elseif $speak eq 3>> <<audio Baldwin play>> <<set $speak to 1>> <</if>> <</link>> */
<span class=subtitle>Created by <a class="two" href="http://www.thenewenglandclassic.com" target="_blank">The NEC</a> <a class="two" href="http://www.thenewenglandclassic.com/daz-content" target="_blank">More 'Daz Content</a> </span>
<<if $AboutBack is false>> <<audio MenuGo play>><<elseif $AboutBack is true>> <<audio MenuBack play>><</if>><div class="a"><span class = "main2">ABOUT DAZQUEST</span></div> <span class="spec">DazQuest</span> is an interactive story in which you play as Steve Addazio and go on an epic adventure.<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ruSh9BUwmo" target="_blank">//Seriously.//</a> This game was created by <span class="spec"> <a href="https://thenewenglandclassic.com" target="_blank">//The New England Classic//</a></span>, the independent satirical newspaper at Boston College. Check out the [[CREDITS|Credits]] section for the complete list of brave souls who helped make <span class="spec">DazQuest</span> a reality. If you like this game, consider <a class="twitter-share-button" href="https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?text=Hello @BCCoachAddazio! I've been enjoying your new game. Have you seen it yet? www.dazquest.com" target="_blank"> sharing it with Mr. Addazio on Twitter!</a> We're really hoping he sees it. If you <span class="spec">//are//</span> Mr. Addazio, pleace [[click here.|identity]] <span class = "main"><div class="a">[[•BACK•|Menu]]</div></span><<set $MenuBack to true>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>Hey there <span class="spec">STEVE-O</span>. <<linkappend "Can we call you that?"t8n>> Oh, you prefer <span class="spec">MR. ADDAZIO</span>? Yeah, that makes sense. <<linkappend "Cool."t8n>> Look, <span class="spec">MR. ADDAZIO</span>: we get it. Seriously, we do. This whole thing is <span class="spec">FUCKING WEIRD</span> and probably makes you feel <<linkappend "justifiably uncomfortable."t8n>> We've wasted <<linkreplace "a lot of time"t8n>><span class="spec">WAY TOO MUCH TIME</span><</linkreplace>> working on this dumb game and have spent months thinking about you, your mustache, and your love for <<linkappend "khaki pants."t8n>> To be completely honest, we're not sure if you even like khakis! Maybe it's just what the job <span class="spec">REQUIRES OF YOU</span>. We've never even <<linkappend "thought to ask."t8n>> And that's really the crux of this issue. We've spent far too long asking ourselves <span class="spec">//"How ridiculous would it be if we made a game about Steve Addazio?"//</span> We never once considered that we would actually finish and release that game at some point. <<linkappend "But here we are."t8n>> Please, <span class="spec">MAKE NO MISTAKE</span>: we respect you and all you have given to the Boston College community. It's just that we wanted to make something <span class="spec">SILLY</span> and <span class="spec">ABSURD</span>. At the end of the day, it was either this or <span class="spec"><<linkappend "YorkQuest."t8n>> <span class="spec">YUCK</span>.<span class="reg"> We could go on and on, but that won't do anyone any favors. Let's just <span class="spec">END WITH THIS</span>: we think you're great, we're so sorry, and <<linkappend "we never meant to hurt you."t8n>> If you still <span class="spec">REALLY HATE</span> what we've created, shoot us an email at <span class="spec">
[email protected]
</span> and we can figure out how to best pull the plug on this badboy. <<linkappend "Sound good?"t8n>> <span class="spec">GREAT</span>, knew you'd understand. Lots of Love, <span class="spec">//The New England Classic//</span> <span class = "main"><div class="a">[[•BACK•|About]]</div></span><<set $AboutBack to true>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><div class="a"><span class="main2">CREDITS</span> <span class="reg">Created and Written by <a href="https://www.joshartman.net" target="_blank">Josh Artman</a> and <a href="https://lukelayden.com" target="_blank">Luke Layden</a> Additional Writing & Editing by <span class="spec">Peter Zogby</span> Chapter Artwork by <span class="spec">Bort Lizard</span> & edited by <span class="spec">Sal Cont</span> Title Artwork by <a href="https://www.instagram.com/needscookies/" target="_blank">Derek Gieraltowski</a> Endscreen Artwork by <a href="https://www.samxuart.com/" target="_blank">Sam Xu</a> Mastering by <span class="spec">Charles Cohen</span> This game was made in <a href="https://twinery.org" target="_blank">Twine</a>, an open-source, easy-to-use tool for telling interactive stories. Garfield minigame powered by <a href="https://www.puzzlescript.net/" target="_blank">PuzzleScript</a> Jeopardy minigame powered by <a href="https://jeopardylabs.com/" target="_blank">Jeopardy Labs</a> Flappy Bird minigame powered by <a href="https://flappycreator.com/" target="_blank">Flappy Creator</a> <span class="spec">SPECIAL THANKS</span> to the O'Neill Digital Studio, Mike@Mac, the MBTA, and the DazQuest Machine. [[MUSIC CREDITS]] <span class = "main"><div class="a">[[•BACK•|Menu]]</div></span><<set $AboutBack to true>><<set $MenuBack to true>>
<<playlist stop>><<audio Toilet play>>You <span class="spec">FLUSH</span> and quickly wash your hands. You know you're in a rush, but you consider <span class="spec">COMBING YOUR MUSTACHE</span> before you exit the bathroom.<span id ="Shave"> <<linkreplace ">> Comb that 'stache!"t8n>><<set $mustache to true>><<remove #noShave>><<audio MenuGo play>> Momma 'Daz always used to say that the best thing a man can be is <span class= "spec"><<linkappend "CONSISTENT IN APPEARANCE."t8n>> <span class="reg">It takes you 2 different combs, 5 ounces of mustache oil, and 35 minutes to nail that <span class="spec">CLASSIC 'DAZ LOOK</span>, but damn is it worth it. <<linkappend "At least you hope so..."t8n>> <span class="reg">You put down your comb, exit the bathroom, grab some <span class ="spec">GRILLED MEAT OF INDISTINGUISHABLE ORIGIN</span> from the kitchen fridge, and run outside to [[begin your morning commute.|Chapter 2]]<</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkreplace>></span> <span id="noShave"><<linkreplace ">> There's no time for self-grooming! "t8n>> <<set $mustache to false>><<remove #Shave>><<audio MenuGo play>>The team needs you <span class="spec">NOW</span>, and you're <<linkappend "already running late!"t8n>> No one's going to care if you show up to work looking <span class="spec">SLIGHTLY UNKEMPT</span>. Besides, if you're really lucky, you can probably get one of the <span class= "spec">SUPPLE ATHLETICS INTERNS</span> to <<linkappend "comb it for you later."t8n>> You exit the bathroom, grab some <span class ="spec">GRILLED MEAT OF INDISTINGUISHABLE ORIGIN</span> from the kitchen fridge, and run outside to [[begin your morning commute.|Chapter 2]]<</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkreplace>></span>
<<script>> UIBar.stow();<</script>><<playlist stop>><<audio Blue play>><span class = "chapterx">CHAPTER 2: <img src="Chapter2.png" alt=""/> //[[All 'Dazzed Up and Ready to Go|open road]]//</span>
<<audio MenuGo play>>There are <span class="spec">48 UNREAD MESSAGES</span> all from this morning, and new ones are still <<linkappend "pouring in."t8n>> <span class= "spec">OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR SCOT LOEFFLER:</span> Steve, r u there? there's been an incident at Alumni <<timed 2.8s transition>><span class= "spec">DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR JIM REID:</span> Statue is gone, losing Dudes by the hour... NOT A DRILL !! <<next>><span class = "spec">HEAD COACH JERRY YORK:</span> who TF added me 2 this groupchat? leave me out of your feckless mediocrity. <<next>><span class = "spec">HEAD COACH JERRY YORK:</span> peace out, CHUMPS. <<next>><span class = "spec">HEAD COACH JERRY YORK HAS LEFT THE GROUP.</span> <<next>>You're not exactly sure what's happening, but <<linkappend "two things are pretty clear:"t8n>> Your plan to win over Coach York could use some <span class = "spec">SERIOUS TWEAKING</span>, and you should probably [[finish up in here and get to work ASAP.|finish up and get to work ASAP.]]<</linkappend>><</timed>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><<script>> UIBar.stow(); <</script>><span class = "chapterx">CHAPTER 1: <img src="Chapter1.png" alt=""/> //[['Dazzed and Confused|Intro]]//</span>
<<audio MenuGo play>><<set $DudeMobile to false>><<set $DudeCopter to false>> <<set $DudeCycle to false>>You are standing in the middle of your front yard on what is a <span class="spec">SEASONABLY WARM</span> autumn day. You have been slowly nibbling away at your <span class="spec">MYSTERY BREAKFAST MEAT</span> for the past 20 minutes, but now it’s <span class="spec"><<linkappend'FINALLY TIME…'t8n>> <span id = "DudeMobileText"> <span class="reg"><<linkappend'>> Time to call THE DUDEMOBILE!'t8n>> <<set $DudeMobile to true>><<remove #DudeCopterText>><<remove #DudeCycleText>><<audio MenuGo play>>You raise your left arm to eye level and press a hidden button on the side of your <span class=spec>NOVELTY GARFIELD WRISTWACH</span>. You let it scan your retina as you stealthily whisper <<linkreplace'your top-secret activation code.'t8n>><span class="spec">“ScubaSteve1959.”</span> After a moment, the watch verifies your identity and tells you in a robotic voice that the DudeMobile [[should be arriving shortly.|will be arriving shortly.]]<</linkreplace>><</linkappend>></span></span><span id="DudeCopterText"> <<linkappend'>> Time to call THE DUDECOPTER!'t8n>> <<set $DudeCopter to true>><<remove #DudeMobileText>><<remove #DudeCycleText>><<audio MenuGo play>><span class="reg">You raise your left arm to eye level and press a hidden button on the side of your <span class=spec>NOVELTY GARFIELD WRISTWACH</span>. You let it scan your retina as you stealthily whisper <<linkreplace'your top-secret activation code.'t8n>><span class="spec">“ScubaSteve1959.”</span> After a moment, the watch verifies your identity and tells you in a robotic voice that the DudeCopter [[should be arriving shortly.|will be arriving shortly.]]<</linkreplace>><</linkappend>></span> <span id = "DudeCycleText"><<linkappend'>> Time to call THE DUDECYCLE!'t8n>> <<set $DudeCycle to true>><<remove #DudeCopterText>><<remove #DudeMobileText>><<audio MenuGo play>><span class="reg">You raise your left arm to eye level and press a hidden button on the side of your <span class=spec>NOVELTY GARFIELD WRISTWACH</span>. You let it scan your retina as you stealthily whisper <<linkreplace'your top-secret activation code.'t8n>><span class="spec">“ScubaSteve1959.”</span> After a moment, the watch verifies your identity and tells you in a robotic voice that the DudeCycle [[should be arriving shortly.|will be arriving shortly.]]<</linkreplace>><</linkappend>></span><</linkappend>>
<<script>> UIBar.stow(); <</script>><<audio MenuGo play>><span class = "main2"><div class="a">CHAPTER SELECT <span class="selectC">(It is highly recommended that you start with Chapter 1)</span> [[Chapter 1]] [[Chapter 2]] [[Chapter 3]] [[Chapter 4]] [[Chapter 5]] [[•BACK•|Menu]]</div><<set $MenuBack to true>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><<timed 3.25s transition>>You wait around for about 5 minutes before you remember that your wife <span class="spec">KATHLEEN</span> made you sell the <<if $DudeMobile is true>>DudeMobile<<elseif $DudeCopter is true>>DudeCopter<<elseif $DudeCycle is true>>DudeCycle<</if>> <<linkappend 'three months ago.'t8n>> <span class= "spec">//“Steve, you never use that thing anymore! All it does is take up space in our subterranean hangar! Do you really need a rocket-powered, solid gold land-air hybrid vehicle with a built-in SodaStream?”//</span> <<linkappend "That was quite the argument."t8n>> You shed a <span class ="spec">SINGLE, MANLY TEAR</span> before begrudgingly unlocking the front door of your pre-owned 2004 <<linkappend 'Subaru Forester.'t8n>> You <span class="spec">HATE</span> this car! Your friends always make fun of you for owning it, because <span class ="spec">“SUBARUS ARE FOR LESBIANS.”</span> You've tried convincing them that you're <span class ="spec">NOT A LESBIAN</span>, but they <<linkappend "never seem to believe you."t8n>> You get in your <span class="spec">VERY MASCULINE CAR</span>, buckle up, and begin adjusting the seat and your rear-view mirrors. <<timed 2.5s transition>>[[Wait, what the HELL is THAT??]]<</timed>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</timed>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><<audio Blue stop>><<audio Blue1 stop>><<audio Engine play>>It's about a 90 mile drive from <span class="spec">DENNIS, MA</span> to <span class ="spec">BOSTON COLLEGE</span>. You often wish you lived closer to your work, but ResLife has fucked you over <<linkappend "year after year."t8n>> After the first 10 minutes of driving in <span class="spec">TOTAL SILENCE</span> with Baldwin, things start to feel <span class="spec"><<linkappend "PAINFULLY AWKWARD."t8n>> <span class="reg">You decide turning on the radio is a better alternative than attempting to make smalltalk.</span><span id = "rock"> <<linkreplace ">> Find a Classic Rock station"t8n>><<audio Metallica play>><<remove #rap>><<remove #Eagle>><<timed 4s transition>><span class="reg">Some <span class="spec">HEAVY METAL</span> is exactly what you need to get the bloop pumping! Baldwin seems distressed, but if it's <span class="spec">TOO LOUD</span> then he's <span class="spec">TOO OLD</span>. [[>> Keep on Cruisin'!|Keep on Cruisin'!]]<</timed>><</linkreplace>> </span><span id = "rap"> <<linkreplace ">> Find a Hip Hop & Rap station"t8n>><<audio DMX play>><<remove #rock>><<remove #Eagle>><<timed 4s transition>><span class="reg">This music makes you feel <span class="spec">YOUNG AND SEXY</span>, but you're not sure if you'd be allowed to say 70% of these lyrics out loud. Baldwin begins bobbing his head in approval, <<linkappend "as if you give a shit what he thinks."t8n>> (For the record, you <span class="spec"> DO NOT</span>.)<</linkappend>> [[>> Keep on Cruisin'!|Keep on Cruisin'!]]<</timed>><</linkreplace>> </span><span id = "Eagle"> <<linkreplace ">> Let Baldwin pick the station"t8n>><<audio eagle play>><<remove #rap>><<remove #rock>><<timed 4s transition>><span class="reg">Upon finding this station, Baldwin's eyes light up and he looks at you with the world's biggest <span class="spec">SMUG FUCKING GRIN</span>. This was a mistake. [[>> Keep on Cruisin'!|Keep on Cruisin'!]]<</timed>><</linkreplace>></span><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You get <span class ="spec">REALLY BORED</span> after about 40 minutes behind the wheel, so you decide to indulge in some <span class="spec"><<linkappend "RECKLESS DRIVING."t8n>> <span class="reg">One eye still on the road, you gleefully take out your <span class="spec">IPOD TOUCH</span> and load up [[GARFIELD: MY BIG FAT DIET.]]<</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><div><span class="copy">(Scroll to bottom when done)</span></div> <iframe src="Garfield.html"></iframe> <span class="gametext"></span>[[>> Stop playing]]
<<audio MenuGo play>>You turn around and see what appears to be some sort of <span class="spec"> HOMELESS PERSON</span> half-asleep in the <<linkappend "backseat of the Forester."t8n>> The vagrant is covered from head to toe in blankets, so you <<linkappend 'pull some off to get a closer look.'t8n>> <<audio Baldwin play>><span class="spec">“KA-KAW!”</span> Your backseat napper, now awake, is none other than <span class="spec"><<linkappend "BALDWIN THE EAGLE."t8n>> <span class="reg">You totally forgot that it was your turn to take care of him for the weekend, and as a result he's been <span class="spec">STUCK INSIDE YOUR CAR</span> for the past <span class="spec"><<linkappend "48 HOURS (no relation)."t8n>> <span class="reg">By the looks of it, he's been pretty busy: the upholstery has been <span class="spec">THOROUGHLY TORN UP</span>, the car reeks of <span class="spec">YOU KNOW WHAT</span>, and you think you can see a <span class="spec">LOOSE EGG OR TWO</span> rolling around back there. <<linkappend'Christ.'t8n>> You briefly consider <span class="spec">LOSING YOUR SHIT</span> at him, but you know that won't solve anything.<span id="nice"> <<linkreplace ">> Brush it off and let Baldwins be Baldwins"t8n>><<audio MenuGo play>>You force a stiff smile and invite your <span class="spec">ANNOYING AVIAN ASSOCIATE</span> to come sit next to you in the passenger seat. <<set $niceBaldwin to true>><<remove #mean>> <<timed 3s transition>>After waiting a while for Baldwin to figure out how to buckle his seat belt, you start the engine and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><</linkreplace>></span><span id="mean"> <<linkreplace ">> Screw that noise, time to tear into this turkey!"t8n>><<audio MenuGo play>>He's too dense to learn from his mistakes, but at least it'll make you feel better.<<set $niceBaldwin to false>><<remove #nice>> You take a few moments to brainstorm some [[REALLY MEAN INSULTS.|really mean insults.]]<</linkreplace>></span><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
*/ variables $niceBaldwin $mustache Master check over all the text Decide between DazGif or DazGif1 Experiment with logo - make it more pixelated? Link replace - transitions always? use non-transition for snappy dialogue? AUDIO Bitcrunch audio Finish Daz Soundboard (YT vid + FL Studio - PC) Try to normalize audio somehow? <<replace "#dialogue-bar">><<display "Hi">><</replace>><<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "visible">> <<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "hidden">>Jarmond shakes your hand and then the two of you ride the elevator up to his office. Once there, he gives you a copy of the <span class="spec">BCPD CASE FILES</span> on the statue's disapperance. He also tells you you won't be able to crack the case without some <<linkappend "extra firepower."t8n>> Jarmond opens up the locked display case in the middle of his office. He tells you to choose from one of these three <span class="spec">PRICELESS RELICS</span> to help you on your quest. <<linkappend "The First Relic"t8n>> is <<linkappend "The Second Relic"t8n>> is Doug Flutie's <<linkappend "The First Relic"t8n>> */
<<audio MenuGo play>><<set $insult1 to either (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)>><<set $insult2 to either (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)>><<set $insult3 to either (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)>>You've never been good at insulting people, which is somewhat strange given your long and successful career as a <span class = "spec">FOOTBALL COACH</span>. Luckily, Baldwin isn't technically a <span class="spec">“PERSON”</span>, so you're hoping you'll be able to <<linkappend "come up with something good."t8n>> <<linkappend "“//Listen up//, "t8n>><<if $insult1 eq 1>> <span class="spec">FUCKER</span>. <<linkappend "//You're a// "t8n>><<if $insult2 eq 1>><span class="spec">WORTHLESS MASCOT</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 2>> <span class="spec">BRAINDEAD LUNATIC</span><<linkappend " //and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 3>><span class="spec">COKED-OUT JUNKIE</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 4>><span class="spec">SUB-PAR KISSER</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 5>><span class="spec">BIG BIRD WANNABE</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><</if>><</linkappend>><</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult1 eq 2>> <span class="spec">SHITBERG</span>. <<linkappend "//You're a// "t8n>><<if $insult2 eq 1>><span class="spec">WORTHLESS MASCOT</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 2>> <span class="spec">BRAINDEAD LUNATIC</span><<linkappend " //and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 3>><span class="spec">COKED-OUT JUNKIE</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 4>><span class="spec">SUB-PAR KISSER</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 5>><span class="spec">BIG BIRD WANNABE</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><</if>><</linkappend>><</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult1 eq 4>> <span class="spec">UGLY GUY</span>. <<linkappend "//You're a// "t8n>><<if $insult2 eq 1>><span class="spec">WORTHLESS MASCOT</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 2>> <span class="spec">BRAINDEAD LUNATIC</span><<linkappend " //and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 3>><span class="spec">COKED-OUT JUNKIE</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 4>><span class="spec">SUB-PAR KISSER</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 5>><span class="spec">BIG BIRD WANNABE</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><</if>><</linkappend>><</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult1 eq 5>> <span class="spec">SWEET LIPS</span>. <<linkappend "//You're a// "t8n>><<if $insult2 eq 1>><span class="spec">WORTHLESS MASCOT</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 2>> <span class="spec">BRAINDEAD LUNATIC</span><<linkappend " //and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 3>><span class="spec">COKED-OUT JUNKIE</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 4>><span class="spec">SUB-PAR KISSER</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 5>><span class="spec">BIG BIRD WANNABE</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><</if>><</linkappend>><</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult1 eq 3>> <span class="spec">DICKLESS</span>. <<linkappend "//You're a// "t8n>><<if $insult2 eq 1>><span class="spec">WORTHLESS MASCOT</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 2>> <span class="spec">BRAINDEAD LUNATIC</span><<linkappend " //and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 3>><span class="spec">COKED-OUT JUNKIE</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>> <<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 4>><span class="spec">SUB-PAR KISSER</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><</if>><</linkappend>> <<elseif $insult2 eq 5>><span class="spec">BIG BIRD WANNABE</span> <<linkappend "//and I hope you// "t8n>><<if $insult3 eq 1>><span class="spec">GET HUNTED TO EXTINCTION</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 2>> <span class="spec">GET SUCKED INTO A PLANE TURBINE</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 3>><span class="spec">NEVER LEARN HOW TO TRULY PLEASE A WOMAN</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 4>><span class="spec">GET THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF YOU BY THE DEMON DEACON</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><<elseif $insult3 eq 5>><span class="spec">TICKLE MY BELLY AND GIVE ME A KISS</span>.” <<timed 1.5s transition>> Baldwin just stands there with a <span class="spec">BLANK EXPRESSION</span> on his beak. You're not sure how good of an insult that was, so you can either [[try again|really mean insults.]] or just give up and [[begin the drive to campus.]]<</timed>><</if>><</linkappend>><</if>><</linkappend>> <</if>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<script>> UIBar.stow();<</script>><<playlist stop>><<audio Black play>><span class = "chapterx">CHAPTER 3: <img src="Chapter3.png" alt=""/> //[[A Date with 'Dazaster|Yawkey]]//</span>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You get out of the elevator and make a B-line straight to your office. However, before you can sneak inside and lock the door you are approached by <span class ="spec">BRADLEY</span>, an <span class="spec">ATHLETICS INTERN</span> and your <span class="spec"><<linkappend "PERSONAL ASSISSTANT."t8n>> <<if $mustache is true>><span class ="spec">//“Good morning, Coach Addazio! You're very late today, but your mustache is looking great as always.”//</span> <span class="reg">You thank Bradley for the compliment but remind him to <<linkappend "mind his own G-D business."t8n>> <span class = "spec">//“Yes sir, my apologies. Anyways, Martin Jarmond has called an emergency meeting for all senior Football staff. It's starting in twenty minutes!” //</span><<linkappend "Hmm..."t8n>><<replace "#dialogue-bar">><<display "Hi">><</replace>><<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "visible">><</linkappend>><</linkappend>> <<else>><span class ="spec">//“Good morning, Coach Addazio! Your mustache looks terrible today, are you feeling alright?”//</span> <span class="reg">You tell Bradley to mind his own <span class="spec"><<linkappend "FUCKING BUSINESS."t8n>> <span class="spec">//“Haha, good one sir! Anyways, Martin Jarmond has called an emergency meeting for all senior Football staff. It's starting in twenty minutes!” //</span><<linkappend "Hmm..."t8n>><<replace "#dialogue-bar">><<display "Hi">><</replace>><<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "visible">><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</if>><</linkappend>>
DIALOGUE OPTIONS: <<linkappend ">> Tell Jarmond I'm not in today."t8n>><<goto NotInToday>><</linkappend>> <<linkappend ">> Do I have any messages?" t8n>><<goto messages>><</linkappend>> <<if $mustache is false>><<linkappend ">> Comb my mustache for me, intern."t8n>> <<goto comb>><</linkappend>> <</if>><<linkappend ">> I'm going to my office, leave me alone!">><<goto office>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><span class = "spec">//“You have 6 voicemails from Father Leahy. He wants you to visit him at his private residence today. It sounds very urgent!”//</span> <<linkappend "Goddamn it."t8n>> The two of you went on <span class="spec">ONE LUNCH DATE</span> this past Arbor Day and he still won't leave you alone. Doesn't he know there's such a thing as <span class="spec"><<linkappend "WORKPLACE HARRASSMENT?"t8n>> <span class = "spec">//“Also, a lawyer representing Jerry York came by a few hours ago with a newly filed restraining order against you. I'm not even going to ask what that's about!”//</span> <<timed 3s transition>><span class="reg">Huh. Point taken.</span><</timed>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>Bradley <span class="spec">SIGHS</span>, pulls out a comb from seemingly nowhere, and spends a good 5 minutes <span class="spec">COMBING YOU DOWN</span> in the middle of the hallway. He's not the best stylist, but <<linkappend "it'll do for now."t8n>> Once he finishes you give him an <span class="spec">AUTOGRAPHED HEADSHOT</span> as a token of your appreciation. You both pretend that he doesn't already have at least <span class="spec">12 OF THESE</span> sitting in his desk drawer.<</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><<set $nickname to false>><<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "hidden">>You sit down at your desk and begin <span class="spec"><<linkappend "STROKING YOUR MUSTACHE."t8n>> <span class="reg">(This is something you do when you're thinking, and also when you're <span class="spec">SEXUALLY AROUSED</span>.)<</linkappend>> <span class="spec"><<linkappend "JarmÚndo"t8n>><<set $nickname to true>> <span class="reg">(one of your many clever nicknames for your boss)</span><</linkappend>> <span class="reg">has been <span class="spec">UP YOUR ASS</span> lately about you not taking your job seriously enough, and now's the perfect chance to <<linkappend "prove him wrong."t8n>> You look down and realize you're still wearing your <span class="spec">SATIN BATHROBE</span> from this morning. [[Fuck.]] <</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>Luckily, you have a <span class = "spec">WALK-IN CLOSET</span> right here in your office, so you'll be dressed and ready to impress <<if $nickname is true>><span class="spec">JARM JARM BINKS</span><<elseif $nickname is false>> the boss<</if>> <<linkappend "in no time."t8n>> You enter the closet and are suddenly faced with an <<linkappend "overwhelming number of potential outfit combinations:"t8n>> [[>> Black Under Armour Polo with Khaki Slacks|Excellent Choice]] [[>> White Under Armour Polo with Khaki Slacks|Excellent Choice]] [[>> Red Under Armour Polo with Khaki Slacks|Excellent Choice]] [[>> Maroon Under Armour Polo with Khaki Slacks|Excellent Choice]] [[>> Yellow Under Armour Polo with Khaki Slacks|Excellent Choice]] [[>> Gold Under Armour Polo with Khaki Slacks|Excellent Choice]] [[>> Gray Under Armour Polo with Khaki Slacks|Excellent Choice]] [[>> Grey Under Armour Polo with Khaki Slacks|Excellent Choice]]<</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio Black stop>><<audio Zipper play>><span class="spec">EXCELLENT CHOICE!</span> You finish changing into your outfit as you hear Bradley <<linkappend "knocking on your door."t8n>> <span class="spec">//“Mr. Addazio sir, the meeting is starting in just a few minutes!”//</span> You exit your office and walk over to the <span class="spec">CONFERENCE ROOM</span>. The rest of your coaching staff is already there, but they all seem afraid to look you in the eye. Before you can ask them what's wrong, <span class="spec">MARTIN JARMOND</span> gracefully yet powerfully [[BURSTS INTO THE ROOM.|bursts into the room.]]<</linkappend>>
<<script>> UIBar.stow(); <</script>> Loading<<timed .3s transition>>.<<next>>.<<next>>.<</timed>> <<timed 1.5s transition>>[[Start!|Title]] <</timed>>
<<audio Mind play>>The athletic director wastes no time getting down to business. <<timed 2.3s transition>><span class="spec">//“The Doug Flutie Statue has gone missing. We have no clue where it went, and things around campus are already going to shit.”//</span> <</timed>><<timed 5s transition>><<linkappend "Jesus Christ."t8n>> <<linkappend "No fucking way."t8n>> <<linkappend "Deep breaths, Steve. Keep it together."t8n>> Everyone knows the <span class="spec">FLUTIE STATUE</span> is the <span class="spec">HEART AND SOUL</span> of the entire BC Football program. It is the <span class="spec">LIFE FORCE</span> of Boston College. Without it, you are <span class="spec"><<linkappend "NOTHING."t8n>> <span class="spec">[[Jarmond gives you a knowing look.|give a further explanation.]]</span><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</timed>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>Your boss looks visibly pained. <span class="spec">//“The Math Department has estimated that if the statue isn't returned by //9PM TONIGHT//, the football program will cease to exist. The 2018 season will be cancelled and you'll all be fired.”//</span> <<linkappend "He tells you all that he is incredibly sorry."t8n>> <span class="spec">JIM REID</span> starts blubbering like a baby. <<timed 3s transition>><span class="spec">SCOT LOEFFLER</span> puts his head down on the table and starts saying //<span class="spec">“Momma”</span>// over and over again.<<next>> <span class="spec">YOU</span> shit your khakis, but only a little bit. <<next>><<if $nickname is true>><<linkreplace "Jarmond"t8n>><span class="spec">JARMOND HAMMER</span><</linkreplace>><<else>> Jarmond<</if>> tries to regain the room's attention, but quickly gets frustrated and <<linkappend "walks out."t8n>> It takes you a few moments to compose yourself before you [[RUSH OUT OF THE ROOM to find him.]]<</linkappend>><</timed>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You catch up to Martin right as he's about to enter the elevator. He <span class="spec">STOPS</span>, turns around, and <<linkappend "asks you what you want."t8n>> <<replace "#dialogue-bar">><<display "WhatWant">><</replace>><<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "visible">><</linkappend>>
<<script>>UIBar.stow();<</script>><<playlist stop>><<audio Record play>><span class="main">Welcome to the <span class="spec">Steve Addazio Soundboard™!</span> </span> Enjoy the buttons below, but please do so <span class="spec">RESPONSIBLY</span>. You must promise to never use these powers for evil. <span class="sound"> |<<button " Major Dude ">><<audio MajorDude play>><</button>>|<<button "Ultimate Dude">><<audio UltimateDudes play>><</button>>|<<button "Supreme Dude">><<audio SupremeDude play>><</button>>| |<<button "Looks Like">><<audio LoosLikeDude play>><</button>>|<<button "That's a Dude">><<audio ThatsADude play>><</button>>|<<button "Still a Dude">><<audio StillADude play>><</button>>| |<<button "Lotta Dudes">><<audio LottaDudes play>><</button>>|<<button "Buncha Dudes">><<audio BunchaDudes play>><</button>>|<<button "Two Dudes">><<audio TwoDudes play>><</button>>| |<<button "What's Better">><<audio WhatsBetter play>><</button>>|<<button "Guys ➡ Dudes">><<audio GuysBeing play>><</button>>|<<button "Dudettes">><<audio DudesDudettes play>><</button>>| |<<button "Right/Left">><<audio DudeRightDudeLeft play>><</button>>|<<button "Stuck Middle">><<audio StuckInMiddle play>><</button>>|<<button "Baller">><<audio Baller play>><</button>>| |<<button "Attractions">><<audio Attractions play>><</button>>|<<button "Dude Square">><<audio DudeSquare play>><</button>>|<<button "Dudefeller">><<audio Dudefeller play>><</button>>| |<<button "Dudetue">><<audio Liberty play>><</button>>|<<button "Dudenheim">><<audio Dudenheim play>><</button>>|<<button "Dudepire ">><<audio Dudepire play>><</button>>| </span><span class = "main"><div class="a">[[•BACK•|Menu]]</div></span><<set $MenuBack to true>>
DIALOGUE OPTIONS: <<linkappend ">> Isn't there some way for us to save MY JOB?" t8n>><<goto saveDaz>><</linkappend>> <<linkappend ">> Isn't there some way for us to save THE BEES?"t8n>><<goto saveBees>><</linkappend>> <<linkappend ">> Isn't there some way for us to save THE TEAM?" t8n>><<goto saveTeam>><</linkappend>>
<<audio USA stop>><<replace "#dialogue-bar">><<display "empty">><</replace>>Jarmond's eyes light up. <span class = "spec">//“If it was anyone else asking, I'd say we're completely fucked... <<timed 2.7s transition>>But you're Steve MOTHERFUCKING Addazio.”// <<next>><span class="reg"><<linkappend "You're not sure what he means."t8n>> <span class = "spec">//“We already have BCPD working overtime to find the statue, but you're the Baddest Dude this side of Carney Hall.”//<span class="reg"> <span class="reg"><<linkappend "You blush."t8n>> <span class = "spec">//“It won't be easy, but there just might be a way for you to find and retrieve the Flutie Statue. Steve, you're the only one who can save your dudes and secure the future of the BC Football program!”// </span><<timed 5s transition>> <<replace"#dialogue-bar">><<display "geddit">><</replace>><</timed>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</timed>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>Marty is taken aback by this question but then <<linkappend "takes some time to think."t8n>> <span class = "spec">//“Well, there's no way you could still have a Head Coach position, but there's always room in my department for a Dude like you, Steve.”//</span> <<linkappend "Fuck yes."t8n>> <span class = "spec">//“In fact, I think there was some discussion about Baldwin needing a full-time handler. You'd be responsible for feeding him, changing his diapers, and of course taking care of him every weekend.”// <span class="reg"><<linkappend "Huh...">> <<timed .1s transition>> <span class="reg">You tell Jarmond you <<linkappend "aren't interested in the position."t8n>> Besides, you could never <span class="spec">BETRAY YOUR TEAM</span> like that.<</linkappend>><</timed>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>Martin is in a state of total confusion. <span class="spec"><<linkappend "//“What the HELL are you talking about?”//"t8n>> <span class="reg">You explain to him that it's just something you've been thinking about a lot recently, ever since you watched a <span class="spec">DOCUMENTARY ABOUT THE BEE CRISIS</span> a few weeks ago <<linkappend "on Netflix."t8n>> <span class="spec">//“Well Steve, that's not the most relevant discussion topic right now... but it does sound interesting. <<linkappend "//What's the documentary called?”//"t8n>>// <span class="reg">You tell him you can't remember but that you're pretty sure it was made by <span class="spec">JERRY SEINFELD</span>.<<timed 2s transition>>(You do not know what the word <span class="spec">“DOCUMENTARY”</span> means.)<</timed>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
DIALOGUE OPTIONS: [[>> Let's fucking do this!|Chapter 4]] <<set $ligma to true>>
<<if $ligma is true>><<audio MenuGo play>><</if>><<audio Paint play>><<audio Mind stop>><<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "hidden">><<script>> UIBar.stow();<</script>><<playlist stop>><span class = "chapterx">CHAPTER 4: <img src="Chapter4.png" alt=""/> //[[THE THRILL OF 'DAZSCOVERY|weapon]]//</span>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You're ready to get out there and <span class="spec">CRACK SOME SKULLS</span>, but Jarmond seems to have something <<linkappend "he wants to give you."t8n>> <span class = "spec">//“'Daz, it's dangerous to go alone. I can offer you one of three priceless Boston College relics to aid you on your quest. Come with me.”//</span> Together, you ride the elevator up to his office. Jarmond directs you to the [[large display case behind his desk.|weaponDesc]] <</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>The first relic is a well-worn football. <span class = "spec">//“This isn't just any pigskin, mind you. This is the// HAIL MARY BALL //that Flutie chucked back in '84.”//</span> <<linkappend "You nod."t8n>> The second relic looks like a small business card. <span class = "spec">//“This here is a completed// EL PELON PUNCHCARD//. No one knows who it belonged to, but legend says that whoever has the strength to wield it is entitled to one free burrito, guac not included.”//</span> <<linkappend "Your stomach rumbles."t8n>> The third and final relic appears to be a handgun. <span class = "spec">//“This badboy is a// GLOCK 29//. 10mm auto, 3.8 inch barrel, standard capacity 10 round mag. It kills fast, loud, and indiscriminately. Or so I've been told.”//</span> <<linkappend "You begin stroking your mustache."t8n>> [[>> Take the HAIL MARY BALL]] [[>> Take the EL PELON PUNCHCARD]] [[>> Take the GLOCK 29]]<</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>Now that you're armed and dangerous, <<linkappend "it's time to get down to business."t8n>> You thank Jarmond for his <span class="spec">HELP</span>, give him a <span class=spec>KISS ON THE LIPS</span><<audio Smooch play>> for good luck, and take the elevator back down to the <<linkappend "ground floor."t8n>> It is currently <span class="spec">1 PM</span>, meaning you only have 8 hours to save the world. You walk over to the <span class="spec">BASE OF THE FLUTIE STATUE</span> to <<linkappend"look for any potential leads."t8n>> Being at the scene of the crime makes you <span class="spec">SICK TO YOUR STOMACH</span>. The statue appears to have been sawed off at Flutie's <span class="spec">RIGHT ANKLE</span>, leaving his shoe still attached to the base. <<linkappend "Weird."t8n>> There don't seem to be any <span class="spec"><<linkappend "DISCERNIBLE CLUES HERE"t8n>> <span class="reg">(aside from that <span class="spec">PILE OF FEATHERS</span> over there)</span><</linkappend>><span class="reg">, so in order to continue your investigation you'll need to [[randomly pick an area of campus to go inspect.]]</span><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>To find Flutie, you have to <span class="spec">THINK LIKE FLUTIE</span>. To <span class="spec">THINK LIKE FLUTIE</span>, you're guessing you'll probably have to <span class="spec"><<linkappend "FUCK THIS FOOTBALL."t8n>> <span class="reg">(A little <span class="spec">VULGAR</span>, yes, but it wouldn't be the first time and it certainly won't be the <span class="spec">LAST</span>.)</span><</linkappend>> [[You shove the football down your comically oversized pants pocket.|gotRelic]]<<set $pigskin to true>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You would've really preferred a completed punchcard for <span class="spec"><<linkappend"FLAT BREADS"t8n>> <span class="reg">(the <span class="spec">VASTLY SUPERIOR</span> Comm Ave dining establishment)</span><</linkappend>><span class="reg">, but you're sure this will come in handy somehow.</span> [[You slip the card into your wallet (which is completely empty aside from 20 completed Flatbreads punchcards).|gotRelic]]<<set $Pelon to true>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>When the topic comes up during <span class="spec">POLITE COCKTAIL CONVERSATION</span>, you always say that you're an advocate for <span class="spec">GUN REFORM</span><<linkappend"..."t8n>> But let's be honest: guns are <span class=spec>PRETTY DAMN COOL</span>.<</linkappend>> [[You grab the the unlicensed firearm and tuck it into your waistband (like any true football professional would).|gotRelic]]<<set $gun to true>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><<audio Spooky stop>><<audio Paint stop>><<audio Immigrant stop>>You think for a moment before coming up with three <span class="spec">POSSIBLE LOCATIONS</span>: [[>> Carney Basement]] (the most haunted place on campus) [[>> St. Mary's Hall]] (the holiest and second-most haunted place on campus) [[>> Keyes South]] (freshmen, am I right?)
<<audio MenuGo play>><<audio Prayer play>>You haven't been to church since that time you accidentally committed <span class="spec">VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER</span> <<linkappend "a few years back."t8n>> That was quite the confessional. <</linkappend>> But that's all <<linkappend "behind you now."t8n>> (Besides, you were <span class="spec">ACQUITTED</span>.) However, you are still capable of <span class="spec">SWALLOWING YOUR PRIDE</span> and making a rare appearance at church if it's your best shot of finding the <span class="spec">STATUE</span>, which it certainly... <span class="spec">MIGHT BE</span>? You walk up to Linden Lane and [[enter the double doors into St. Mary's Hall.|Church]]<</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><<audio Immigrant play>>You've never trusted <span class="spec">NEWTON FRESHMEN</span>, and you're not about to start now. Those <span class="spec">LOSERS</span> are always up to something, and now they have to deal with <span class="spec">YOU</span>. <<timed 5s transition>>You wait at the <span class="spec">CONTE FORUM BUS STOP</span> for a solid 15 mintues before the <span class="spec">NEWTON BUS</span> shows up. You could have just taken your Subaru, but <<linkappend "where's the fun in that?"t8n>> You step onto the bus and enjoy a <span class="spec">THOROUGHLY UNEVENTFUL</span> drive down Comm Ave and onto Centre Street. You arrive at <span class="spec">NEWTON</span> and the bus comes to a stop at the <<linkappend "Stuart parking lot."t8n>> Time to head to Keyes: [[>> Exit via the side staircase and sprint to the dorm]] [[>> Exit at the front and politely thank the bus driver|>> Exit from the front of the bus and politely thank the bus driver]]<</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</timed>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>An <span class="spec">OBVIOUS CHOICE</span> to start your search — if Boston College had a Bermuda Triangle, it would definitely be in the <span class="spec">BASEMENT OF CARNEY</span>. You hoof it up to Middle Campus (via the <span class="spec">MALONEY ELEVATORS</span>, of course) and mosey on over to <<linkappend "Carney."t8n>> Upon arrival, your body begins tingling with <span class="spec">IMMENSE SEXUAL EXCITEMENT</span>. You haven't yet set foot inside the building, but you're already rocking a pretty decent <<linkappend"half-chub."t8n>> Let's make one thing crystal clear: You want to [[fuck Carney Hall.]] <</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio Spooky play>><span class="cum">WARNING:</span> If you're not in the mood for some vulgar-ass <span class="love">STEVE ADDAZIO EROTICA</span>, this is your chance to [[turn back now.|randomly pick an area of campus to go inspect.]] Otherwise, [[let's continue.|let's continue.1]]
<<audio MenuGo play>>You take your first step and immediately feel a <span class="cum">BURNING SENSATION</span> start at the back of your neck. It slowly travels down your spine as you begin to <span class="cum">SWEAT</span> and <span class="cum">TREMBLE</span>. <<timed 5s transition>>The sensation is <span class="cum">UNFATHOMABLY PAINFUL</span>, but it also provides you with a sense of <span class="cum">ABSOLUTE PLEASURE</span> that you haven’t felt since winning the 2016 Quick Lane Bowl. <<next>>The sensation slows down before settling in your <span class="cum">LOINS</span> and then <<linkappend "gently fading away."t8n>> You breathe a deep sigh of relief. What the <span class="cum">HELL</span> was that? You want to <span class="cum"> FUCK CARNEY</span> as much as the next guy, but <<linkappend "that..."t8n>> [[That wasn't what you expected, to say the least.]]<</linkappend>><</linkappend>> <</timed>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><<linkappend "You attempt to take another step forward."t8n>> The burning sensation instantly returns at <span class="cum">TENFOLD THE INTENSITY</span>. This time, it starts in your loins and <span class="cum">STAYS THERE</span>. Your legs begin to quiver as you <<linkappend "collapse your knees."t8n>> Your <span class ="cum">MUSTACHE</span>, used to sitting perfectly balanced on your upper lip, is now thoroughly razzled as you scream in complete <span class="cum">CARNAL PLEASURE</span>. <<timed 4s transition>>Your genitals begin to marinate in a stew of <span class = "cum">PURE, SINFUL ECSTASY</span>. <<next>>All the while, you are [[stroking your mustache vigorously.|lucas]]<</timed>> <</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You feel an otherworldly presence flood into the empty hallway.<<timed 2s transition>> From nowhere, you hear a Voice: <<next>><span class="cum">//“CUM FOR ME, STEVE.”//</span><<next>> <<linkreplace "You're not ready to cum quite y-"t8n>> <</linkreplace>> <<next>> You <span class="cum">CUM</span>. <<next>>Again. <<next>>And again. <<next>> And once more, for good measure. <<next>> You are finally and wholly... <span class="cum">COMPLETE</span>. <<timed 3.3s transition>><span class="cum">//“ALRIGHT, THAT WAS ALMOST SATISFYING,”//</span> the Basement bellows. <<next>><span class="cum">//“YOU SHOULD PROBABLY LEAVE NOW. I HEARD THAT STATUE YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS DOWN BY THE RESERVOIR.”//</span> <<next>> You can't believe it. You wanted to <span class="cum">FUCK CARNEY</span>, but Carney ended up <span class="cum">FUCKING YOU</span>. <<next>><span class="cum">//“SERIOUSLY DUDE, PLEASE LEAVE.”//</span> [[You stop stroking your mustache and shamefully head for the door.|blue light]]<</timed>><</timed>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You enter the building and slowly creep to the bottom of the stairwell. <<linkappend "Your mustache trembles in anticipation."t8n>> You look inside to see the <span class="cum">COLD, MYSTERIOUS BASEMENT</span>. It is empty, but not for long. [[You push through the double doors and into the basement.|let's continue.]]<</linkappend>>
<<audio Price stop>><<playlist stop>><<audio DontStop play>><<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "hidden">><<script>> UIBar.stow();<</script>><<playlist stop>><span class = "chapterx">CHAPTER 5: <img src="Chapter5.png" alt=""/> //[[FINAL 'DAZTINATION|resbaby]]//</span>
<<audio MenuGo play>>This is a <span class="cum">VIOLENT</span>, <span class="cum">TRIUMPHANT</span>, <span class="cum">UTTERLY INDESCRIBABLE</span> sexual experience. <<timed 3s transition>>You <span class="cum">LOVE IT</span> with <span class="cum">EVERY OUNCE OF YOUR BEING</span>. <<next>>[[You are not prepared for what comes next.]]<</timed>>
<<audio Spooky stop>><<audio MenuGo play>>You stop at the out-of-service <span class="spec">BLUE LIGHT</span> outside of Carney and reach behind the malfunctioning panel to grab a <span class="spec"><<linkappend "NEW PAIR OF KHAKIS."t8n>> <span class="reg">(You keep two pairs in every blue light around campus in the event of an <span class="spec">EMERGENCY</span> such as this.)<</linkappend>> [[You change your pants and head to the Reservoir.|Chapter 5]]
<<audio MenuGo play>>The hallway is completely empty, except for a single, elderly <span class="spec">VIRGIN</span> reading on a bench. The air smells of mothballs and <span class="spec">UNCONSECRATED HOST</span>. You pinch your nose and <<linkappend "continue onwards."t8n>> The old man appears to be reading the Fall 2018 issue of <span class="spec">//NEW ENGLAND SCULPTURE REVIEW//</span>. You think carefully for a few moments before deciding it's probably safe to <<linkappend "ask this weirdo if he's heard anything about the Flutie statue."t8n>> <span class="spec">//“A statue? My heavens, don't be ridiculous! <<timed 3.2s transition>>But hey, when I’m looking for answers, I go pray in the chapel.”// <<next>><span class="reg"> Unsurprisingly, the Jesuit is unable to give you a <span class="spec">SATISFYING ANSWER</span>. You give him a nice <span class="spec">SLAP ON THE BUTTOCKS</span> for doing his best and [[head into the chapel.|head to the chapel.]]<</timed>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You walk into the deserted chapel and see empty bottles of <span class="spec">WINE</span> and <span class="spec">GRAIN ALCOHOL</span> strewn about <span class="spec"><<linkappend "EVERYWHERE."t8n>> <span class="reg">Somebody must’ve thrown a <span class="spec">RAGER</span> last night that you weren’t invited to. <span class="spec"><<linkappend "BUMMER."t8n>> <span class="reg">You briefly consider attempting to <span class="spec">GUZZLE</span> the remaining alcohol, but decide that it's more important to <<linkappend "stay on track."t8n>> You heed the <span class="spec">CREEPY OLD MAN'S ADVICE</span> and prepare to [[pray at the altar.]]<</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You make sure to tuck in your <span class="spec">POLO</span> and brush off your <span class="spec">KHAKIS</span> before kneeling. This is the first time you've prayed since <span class="spec"><<linkappend "THE ACCIDENT."t8n>> <span class="reg">//Didn't we already agree that we're done talking about that?//</span> <<linkappend "It's over."t8n>> <span class="reg">You begin your prayer and explain to <span class="spec">G-D</span> that you are used to calling <span class="spec">AUDIBLES</span>, but this is still quite the task. In order to find this statue, you’re going to require some <span class="spec"><<linkappend "NEWFOUND STRENGTH."t8n>> <span class="reg">[[You wiggle your mustache dutifully and finish your prayer.|You wiggle your mustache and finish your prayer.]]</span><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>The act of prayer has made you a better person. <<linkappend "You can feel it coursing through your veins."t8n>><<audio MenuGo play>><<script>> UI.alert("LEVEL UP! Your stats have increased: Strength +5, Dexterity +3, Speed +4, Piety +10. You are now Level 2.");<</script>> You hear a sudden <span class="spec">THUD</span> from the corner. A red-faced <span class="spec">JESUIT</span>, seemingly hungover, has stumbled out of a confessional booth. It is none other than your old friend <span class="spec"> <<linkappend "FATHER KEVIN."t8n>> <span class="reg">You rush over to greet <span class="spec">K-DAWG</span>, but the sight of a frantic, sweaty, 250 pound former <span class="spec">OFFENSIVE LINEMAN</span> is enough to frighten the Jesuit. He scurries back into the <span class="spec"> <<linkappend "CONFESSIONAL BOOTH."t8n>> <span class="reg">You aren’t really sure how these things work, but you decide to </span>[[join him.]]<</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>It's taken you all afternoon to get to this point, but you're <span class="spec">FINALLY HERE.</span> The time is now <<linkappend "6:09 PM"t8n>><span class="spec"> (NICE?)</span><</linkappend>>, but you're finally hot on the trail of <<linkappend"the Statue."t8n>> At least you <span class="spec">HOPE SO</span>? You've arrived at the Reservoir but are now realizing you have <<linkappend"absolutely no clue what you should do now."t8n>> You decide to think <span class="spec">REALLY HARD</span>. This is a risky tactic you only ever employ in <span class="spec"><<linkappend "DIRE SITUATIONS."t8n>> <span class="reg">You think, take stock of your surroundings, and come up with <span class="spec">TWO DISTINCT COURSES OF ACTION</span>: [[>> Approach those teenagers sitting on a nearby bench]] [[>> Wander through the woods aimslessly]]<</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio Teenage play>><<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "hidden">><<script>> UIBar.stow();<</script>><<playlist stop>><span class = "chapterx">CHAPTER 6: <img src="Chapter6.png" alt=""/> //[[MASTER OF 'DAZCEPTION|effLeahy]]//</span>
<<audio MenuGo play>><span class="spec"><<linkappend "//“Now THIS is the power of a Jesuit education.”//"t8n>><span class="reg"> Leahy says this as he unloads another shot into Baldwin.<<audio Gun play>> You are <span class="spec"><<linkappend "FLABBERGASTED."t8n>> <span class="reg">He turns to face you. <span class="spec">//“Sorry for this Steve, but I can't allow you to get in my way anymore.”//</span> <<linkappend "Uh oh."t8n>> Leahy aims his <span class="spec">GLOCK</span> at your face and wraps his finger around the trigger. //[[“Adiós, Addazio.”|"Adios, Addazio."]]// <</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio Prayer stop>><<audio CarDoor play>>You enter the booth opposite Father Kevin and apologize for not <<linkappend "wearing a yarmulke."t8n>> <span class="spec">FK, SJ</span> tells you that you don’t need to do that in a chapel. You politely ask him to stop <span class="spec">MANSPLAINING</span> before telling him that <<linkappend "you’re in a rush to find the Flutie statue."t8n>> Father Kevin says he knows of a <span class="spec">CLUE</span> that may aide you on your search, but he will only give it you if you best him in a game of <span class="spec"><<linkappend "//JEOPARDY//."t8n>> <span class="reg">Normally you despise nearly all forms of <span class="spec">TRIVIA</span>, but your friend is clearly having a <span class="spec">ROUGH MORNING</span> and could probably use some fun. <<linkappend "You agree to his sacrilegious battle of wits."t8n>> <<audio Prayer stop>><<setplaylist "Price" "Price" "Price">><<playlist play>>Kev starts to hum what he thinks is the famous //Jeopardy// theme song, but it is clearly the <span class="spec"><<linkappend"//THE PRICE IS RIGHT// THEME SONG."t8n>><span class="reg"> You won’t correct him.</span> [[It's an objectively better song.|It is an objectively better song.]]<</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><iframe src="Jeopardy.html"></iframe> <span class="gametext"></span>[[>> You won Jeopardy!|you win jeopardy]]
<<audio MenuGo play>>Both you and Father Kevin are <span class="spec">IN SHOCK</span>. Since when have you been good at <span class="spec"><<linkappend "KNOWING THINGS?"t8n>> <span class="reg">Your pal Father K honors the lifelong promise he made to <span class="spec">THE LORD</span> every day, so it's no surprise that he's willing to respect <<linkappend "the deal he made with you ten minutes ago."t8n>> <span class="spec">//“Okay, let me think about that statue... <<timed 3s transition>>Egads! My Jesuit senses are tingling! <<next>>The Holy Spirit is telling me that you should go investigate by the Reservoir.”// <<next>><span class="reg">You stand up and mentally prepare yourself for the <span class="spec">NEXT LEG OF YOUR JOURNEY</span>. <<next>><span class="reg">You attempt to thank Father Kevin for his help before you leave, but he's already <span class="spec">BUSY</span> - looks like he's trying to <<linkappend "break into the chapel's collection basket."t8n>> <span class="spec">//“I'm just gonna borrow a twenty so I can buy some more Juul pods,”// </span> he mutters. [[Classic Father K!|Chapter 5]]<</linkappend>><</timed>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio Immigrant stop>><<audio Die play>>You suffer a freak heart attack and are dead within minutes. <span class="gameover">GAME OVER.</span> Next time, remember to thank your bus driver, you dick! [[>> Reload from last checkpoint|randomly pick an area of campus to go inspect.]]
<<audio MenuGo play>>You walk across the parking lot and arrive at <span class="spec">KEYES SOUTH</span> (widely regarded as the <span class="spec">MODS OF NEWTON</span>). The dulcet, chaotic sounds of <span class="spec">UNDERAGE DRINKING</span> waft gently through the air, <<linkappend "inviting you inside the dorm."t8n>> You waddle up the stone steps and <<linkappend "open the front door."t8n>> The door doesn't budge, so you <span class="spec">PUMP YOURSELF UP</span> and <span class="spec"><<linkappend "TRY AGAIN."t8n>> <span class="reg">No good. Not even your <span class="spec">IRON 'DAZ GRIP</span> can get through this level of security. [[This is where your journey must come to an end.]]<</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>Your last <span class="spec">SHIMMER OF HOPE</span> is about to be put out, when suddenly you notice <<linkappend "two figures appear behind you:"t8n>> A pair of <span class="spec">FRESHMAN-AGED GIRLS</span> approach the door, swipe their IDs on the sensor, and enter the building without an issue. While this is happening, you <<linkappend "stand aside politely and watch in silence."t8n>> After waiting for the door to close behind them, you <<linkappend "try the door again."t8n>> It still <span class="spec">DOESN'T WORK!</span> This makes <span class="spec">NO SENSE!!</span> You just saw those girls go straight in, so <span class="spec"><<linkappend "WHAT GIVES?"t8n>> <span class="reg">You <span class="spec">PONDER</span> what they might have had that you don’t: <span class="spec"><<linkappend ">> WINE COOLERS"t8n>><span class="reg">: There’s no time for a trip to <span class="spec">7/11</span>! </span><</linkappend>> <span class="spec"><<linkappend ">> BOOBS"t8n>><span class="reg">: Boobs are <span class="spec">DOPE</span>. Oh great, now you’re stuck thinking about <span class="spec">BOOBS</span>. This may take a while... <</linkappend>> <span class="reg"><<timed 7s transition>>No, no, <span class="spec">THINK STEVE!</span> [[Put that Central Connecticut State degree to work!]]<</timed>> <</linkappend>> <</linkappend>> <</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio Ding play>><<audio Immigrant stop>>Oh <span class="spec">FUCK</span> – they had some <span class="spec">BC IDs</span>!!! That must have been what happened when they <span class="spec">PUT THEIR IDs UP TO THE SENSOR</span> and <<linkappend "got let in."t8n>> They were getting let in by <span class="spec">PUTTING THEIR IDs UP TO THE SENSOR</span>! <<timed 4s transition>>Now, how to get an <span class="spec">ID</span>... <span class="spec"><<linkappend ">> Call Jarmond and ask for his master key"t8n>>:<span class="reg"> He’s gonna think you’re using it to break into <span class="spec">THE BEAN COUNTER</span> again, so this might be a bad move.</span><</linkappend>> <span class="spec"><<linkappend ">> Knock on the door and wait for someone to let you in, like a CHUMP"t8n>>:<span class="reg"> Steve Addazio waits for no man, and he’s certainly no <span class="spec">CHUMP</span>.<</linkappend>> <span class="spec"><<linkappend ">> Hold up some punk kid and snag his ID"t8n>>:<span class="reg"> [[That’s the way a TRUE MAN goes about his business!]]</span><</linkappend>><</timed>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><<setplaylist "Curb" "Curb" "Curb">><<playlist play>>Now that you’ve made an <span class="spec">INTELLIGENT</span>, <span class="spec">WELL-INFORMED DECISION</span>, you sit back on the steps and <<linkappend "wait for a viable victim to approach."t8n>> Here comes one now. <span class="spec">NOT</span> too tall, <span class="spec">PINK</span> shorts, <span class="spec">NIKE</span> socks, crisp <span class="spec">VINEYARD VINES</span> t-shirt. <<linkappend "Now is your time to strike:"t8n>><span id="confident"> <span class="spec"><<linkappend ">> Walk up slow and confident, all swagger."t8n>> <<audio MenuGo play>><span class="reg">As you approach, you accidentally stub your toe on the sidewalk and shout <span class="spec">//“FUCK!”//</span> The guy becomes <span class="spec">INCREDIBLY NERVOUS</span> and begins to walk away. Abandoning all your <span class="spec">CAREFULLY-LAID PLANS</span>, you [[run straight at him and demand his ID.]]<<remove #throw>><<remove #cream>><</linkappend>></span></span> <span id="throw"> <span class="spec"><<linkappend ">> Throw something at him to prove you mean business."t8n>> <<audio MenuGo play>><span class="reg">You <span class="spec">DRILL HIM IN THE CHEST</span> with your <span class="spec"> WALLET</span>, and scream <span class="spec">“HEY, KID!”</span> He freaks out and begins to sprint away. Abandoning all your <span class="spec">CAREFULLY-LAID PLANS</span>, you [[run straight at him and demand his ID.]]<<remove #confident>><<remove #cream>><</linkappend>></span></span> <span id="cream"><span class="spec"><<linkappend ">> Scream. Strike. Run."t8n>> <<audio MenuGo play>><span class="reg">Leaping to your feet, you sprint at the young man with all the <span class="spec">SPEED</span> and <span class="spec">GRACE</span> of an <span class="spec">ENRAGED WATER BUFFALO</span>. He freaks out and begins to sprint away. Abandoning all your <span class="spec">CAREFULLY-LAID PLANS</span>, you [[run straight at him and demand his ID.]]<<remove #confident>><<remove #throw>><</linkappend>></span><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "hidden">><span class="spec">//“Oh...”//<span class="reg"> he stutters,</span><<timed 2.3s transition>> //“You're Coach Addazio? From the football team?// <<next>> //Ok, damn, lemme just let you in...”// <<next>><span class="reg">He lets you in. </span><<next>>[[This mission was a success.]]<</timed>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><span class="spec">//“Dude, what the hell?”//</span> He replies, indignantly. <span class="spec">//“Who the hell are you?” <span class="reg"><<linkappend "Who the hell are YOU?"t8n>> <<replace "#dialogue-bar">><<display "ImSteve">><</replace>><<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "visible">><</linkappend>></span>
DIALOGUE OPTIONS: [[>> I’m Steve G-D Addazio, and this is a mugging!|Mission]] [[>> I'm Scuba Steve, Esq., and this is a mugging!|Mission]] [[>> I'm uhh... Jerry York, and this is a mugging!|Mission1]]
<<audio MenuGo play>>You finally enter Keyes South and begin looking around for <span class="spec">CLUES</span>. Searching the building <<linkappend "could take HOURS..."t8n>> You walk down the <span class="spec">HALL</span> and overhear some freshmen talking. <span class="spec"><<timed 3s transition>> //“Can you believe that the Flutie Statue went missing today?”<<next>> //“I know dude, it's wild. My buddy Mike posted on Snapchat, he saw it near the Res like 30 minutes ago.”//<<next>> //“Big mood, man.”//<<next>> [[Big mood indeed.]]<</timed>></span><</linkappend>>
<<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "hidden">><span class="spec">//“Oh...”//<span class="reg"> he stutters,</span><<timed 2.3s transition>> //“You're Coach York? From the hockey team?// <<next>> //Ok, damn, lemme just let you in...”// <<next>><span class="reg">He lets you in.</span><<next>> [[This mission was a success.]] <</timed>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>Well, <<linkappend "that was easy."t8n>> You burst through the iron-clad <span class="spec">EXIT DOORS</span>, sprint past the <span class="spec">MAIN GATE BUS STOP</span>, and swing a hard left onto <span class="spec">COMM AVE</span>. <<timed 4s transition>>You estimate that the Res is at least <span class="spec">2 MILES</span> away from your current location. <<next>>This is <span class="spec">NO MATCH</span> for ol' <span class="spec">SPRINTIN' STEVE</span>. You beat your chest 5 times before <span class="spec">HITTING THAT PAVEMENT</span>. <<next>>[[Yeah, you did TRACK in high school.|Chapter 5]]<</timed>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>If someone were to hide a <span class="spec">BODY-SIZED OBJECT</span> somewhere around here, they would probably do so in <span class="spec"><<linkappend"THE WOODS."t8n>> <span class="reg">You enter at a <span class="spec">NEARBY CLEARING</span> and begin to make your way deeper into the foliage. You've never been much of an <span class="spec">OUTDOORSMAN</span>, and would much rather be trekking through the Fish Field House's <span class="spec"><<linkappend "BRAND NEW ASTROTURF FIELD."t8n>> <span class="reg">You continue to think about the <span class="spec">FISH FIELD HOUSE</span> for an unknown amount of time. That state-of-the-art practice facility sure does get you <span class="spec"><<linkappend "JACKED."t8n>> <span class="reg">When you finally snap out of it, you are <span class="spec">PARTIALLY ERECT</span>, and perhaps more importantly, <span class="spec"><<linkappend "LOST."t8n>> <span class="reg">You manage to make your way back onto the main road and [[return to the entrance of the Reservoir.]] </span> <</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You begin walking over to the <span class="spec">RAMBUNCTIOUS-LOOKIN' YOUNGSTERS</span> when you overhear <<linkappend "the group's leader"t8n>> //(you can tell he is the leader because he is wearing a hoodie that says <span class="spec">“I AM THE LEADER OF MY FRIEND GROUP”</span>)//<</linkappend>> utter the cursed word: <span class="spec"><<linkappend" //“FORTNITE.”//"t8n>> <span class="reg"> Good lord, not this <span class="spec">SHIT</span> again! You don't care if it's <span class="spec">FORTNITE</span>, <span class="spec">SHMORTNITE</span>, or even <span class="spec">KANGAROO COURTNITE</span>. It doesn't have anything to do with <span class="spec">FOOTBALL</span>, so naturally it <span class="spec">CONFUSES YOU</span> and you <span class="spec"><<linkappend"HATE IT."t8n>> <span class="reg">You've gotten yourself so worked up, there's no chance you can approach those <span class="spec">COOL CATS</span> in your current condition. You beat <span class="spec">A HASTY RETREAT</span> back to <<linkappend "the entrance of the Reservoir."t8n>> Unable to think of any other courses of options, you decide to [[wander into the woods to look for the Statue.|>> Wander through the woods aimslessly]]<</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You are quite literally <span class="spec"><<linkappend "RIGHT BACK WHERE YOU STARTED."t8n>> <span class="reg">You're somewhat <span class="spec">EMBARASSED</span>, but you decide the best course of action is to <span class="spec">SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE</span> and [[approach the pack of RABID TEENS]].<</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>Your mustache shrinks down to <span class="spec">70% ITS NORMAL SIZE</span> as you <<linkappend "sheepishly approach the three youths."t8n>> The leader of the group is the first one to greet you. <span class="spec"><<timed 2s transition>> //“Hey what's up bro, I can tell that you're definitely an upperclassman.<<next>> //Can you buy us beers?”// <<next>><span class="reg">Upon closer inspection, these “teenagers” appear to be <span class="spec">BONAFIDE SOPHOMORES</span>. They stink of <span class="spec">REEFER</span> and appear to be in the middle of a game of <span class="spec">TRAVEL-SIZED //CANDYLAND//</span>. <<next>><<timed 3s transition>><<replace "#dialogue-bar">><<display "SupNerds">><</replace>><<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "visible">><</timed>><</timed>> <</linkappend>>
<<set $woods to either (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)>> <<if $woods eq 1>>You wouldn’t know of any places where someone could hide a statue. Just like you wouldn’t know of any domestic abuse allegations regarding <span class="spec">FORMER COLLEAGUES</span>. Especially any allegations that would go against the university’s <span class="spec"><<linkappend "TITLE IX POLICY."t8n>> <span clas="reg">Sometimes statues get <span class="spec">STOLEN</span>. And sometimes you hire an <span class="spec">ASSISTANT COACH</span> that does some <span class="spec">SHITTY THINGS</span>. Sometimes you know the solutions to these things and other times you <span class="spec">DON’T</span>. <<elseif $woods eq 2>> <<elseif $woods eq 3>> <<elseif $woods eq 4>> <<elseif $woods eq 5>> <<elseif $woods eq 6>> <<elseif $woods eq 7>> <<elseif $woods eq 8>> <<elseif $woods eq 9>> <<elseif $woods eq 10>> <<elseif $woods eq 11>>
DIALOGUE OPTIONS: <<linkappend ">> Hey, do you know where the Flutie Statue is?">><<goto whereisstat>><</linkappend>> <<linkappend ">> Can I get in on the next round of Candyland?">><<goto candyland>><</linkappend>> <<linkappend ">> Say, do you know your way around these woods?">><<goto WayAround>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>They all burst out into <span class="spec">INTENSE LAUGHTER</span>. <<timed 2.6s transition>><span class="spec">//“As if a narc like you could handle even just a few rounds of Super C-Land. No way bro.”//</span> <<next>>You ask them what they mean and they tell you it's a drug thing. You just <span class="spec">WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND</span>.<</timed>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><span class="spec">//“We don't want any statues man,”//</span> the second bro chimes in.<<timed 1s transition>> <span class="spec">//“We want beers. Can you get us some or not?”//</span><</timed>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "hidden">><span class="spec">//“Of course we do, we're Walsh stoners my man. I'm Brad, and this is Chad and Thad. //</span><<timed 2.5s transition>><span class="spec">//Wait, you're not a cop, are you?”//</span> <<next>><span class="reg">You explain to the boys that you're <span class="spec">NOT A COP</span>, but rather a lowly <span class="spec">HEAD FOOTBALL COACH</span>. <<next>>They seem to buy it. You go on to [[briefly explain your predicament.]]<</timed>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><span class="spec">//“Navigating your way through these woods is easy, you just have to stay focused.”//</span> <<linkappend "Easier said than done."t8n>> <<audio Fortnite play>><<audio DontStop stop>>Brad opens the <span class="spec">//CANDYLAND// TRAVEL CASE</span> to reveal <<linkappend "a strange, twisty cigarette."t8n>> <<audio Snoop play>><span class="spec">//“One hit of this baby and you'll be more wired than Thad during Finals week.”//</span> <<timed 3s transition>>Chad lets out a <span class="spec">HEARTY GUFFAW</span>, while Thad looks <span class="spec">THOROUGHLY UNAMUSED</span>.<<next>> <<replace "#dialogue-bar">><<display "GetJoint">><</replace>><<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "visible">><</timed>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
DIALOGUE OPTIONS: <<linkappend ">> Wait, isn't the Pot supposed to space me out?">><<goto potstory>><</linkappend>> <<linkappend ">> Alright, I'm in. Pass me the spirit stick!">><<goto gethighbaby>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><span class="spec">//“This baby's laced with coke.”//</span><<timed 1.5s transition>> Kids these days.<</timed>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "hidden">><span class="spec">//“Hold up, Big Steve.//</span><<timed 2.2s transition>> <span class="spec">//We're not just gonna hand over our last sparko to some upperclassman we barely know.”//</span> <<next>> <<linkappend "You're not quite sure you follow..."t8n>> Chad cuts to the chase: <span class="spec">//“Look dude, you're at least 21, which means you can definitely do us a solid right now.”//</span> <<linkappend "Ohhh! You get it now."t8n>> You kindly offer to <span class="spec">RENT A CAR</span> for your underaged friends. <span class="spec">//“Goddamn it, no! Buy us some booze for the party we’re hosting tonight and we’ll let you <<linkappend "hit this joint.”//"t8n>> <span class="reg">[[An interesting proposition...]]</span><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</timed>>
You venture back into the woods. It's <span class="spec">A MAZE</span> in here! You wouldn’t be to guess where someone would go about <<linkappend "hiding a statue."t8n>> Just like you wouldn’t know of any domestic abuse allegations regarding <span class="spec"><<linkappend "FORMER COLLEAGUES."t8n>> <span class="reg">Especially any allegations that would go against the university’s <span class="spec"><<linkappend "TITLE IX POLICY."t8n>> <span class="reg">Sometimes statues get <span class="spec">STOLEN</span>. And sometimes you hire an <span class="spec">ASSISTANT COACH</span> that does some <span class="spec"><<linkappend "SHITTY THINGS."t8n>> <span class="reg">Sometimes you know the solutions to these things and other times you <span class="spec"><<linkappend "DON’T."t8n>> <span class="reg">You take a break from pondering your <span class="spec">QUESTIONABLE HISTORY OF ETHICAL DECISION MAKING</span> and realize that you have gotten lost again. You manage to make your way back onto the main road and [[return to the entrance of the Reservoir. <</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>Buying <span class="spec">ALCOHOL</span> for <span class="spec">MINORS</span> in return for access to a <span class="spec">SCHEDULE I DRUG</span>? <<linkappend "Hmm..."t8n>> <span class="spec">FINALLY</span>, the chance to do something <span class="spec">FUCKING EPIC</span> <<linkappend"for once in your life."t8n>> You agree to the deal and rush over to [[RESERVOIR WINES & SPIRITS.]] <</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You <span class="spec">BARGE</span> in through the automatic door, eager to get your new delinquent friends some fine <span class="spec"><<linkappend "WINE AND/OR SPIRITS."t8n>> <span class="reg">Once inside, you violently grab a <span class="spec">SHOPPING BASKET</span> and start <<linkappend "looking around the store."t8n>> <span class="reg">You see three of the store’s <span class="spec">FINEST SELECTIONS</span>: <span id="mikes"><span class="spec">MIKE’S HARD LEMONADE</span> - Everyone loves Mike’s! It is the most popular drink on campus.</span> <span id = "coors"><span class="spec">COORS LIGHT</span> - Not just your favorite beer, but every Football Guy’s favorite beer!</span> <span id = "croix"><span class="spec">LA CROIX</span> - You’ve never heard of this before. It must be one of those fancy millennial IPAs.</span> <<linkappend "//WHAT WILL YOU GET?//"t8n>> <<linkappend ">> MIKE'S"t8n>><<set $mikes to true>> <<goto beepis>><</linkappend>> <<linkappend ">> COORS"t8n>><<set $coors to true>> <<goto beepis>><</linkappend>> <<linkappend ">> LA CROIX"t8n>><<set $croix to true>> <<goto beepis>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You grab a 30 pack of <span class="spec"><<if $mikes is true>>MIKE'S<<elseif $coors is true>>COORS<<elseif $croix is true>>CROIX<</if>></span> and approach the <<linkappend "cashier at the front of the store."t8n>> The cashier has a no-nonsense look on his face: <span class="spec">//“Can I see some ID, sir?”//</span> <<linkappend "You're flattered he even bothered to ask."t8n>> You reach into your <span class="spec">WALLET</span> and... <<timed 3s transition>> It appears you left your <span class="spec">DRIVER'S LICENSE</span> in your other <span class="spec">FAVORITE PAIR OF KHAKIS</span>. <<linkappend "This is embarrassing."t8n>> <span class="spec">//“No ID, no purchase, mister.”//</span> You break out into a <span class="spec">HEAVY SWEAT</span> and your knees <span class="spec"><<linkappend "BEGIN TO QUIVER."t8n>> <span class="reg">What are you <span class="spec">GOING TO DO</span> now? [[You promised you’d get your friends their beer.]]<</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</timed>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>[[>> Politely explain to the cashier that you don’t have your ID right now, but you’re clearly well above the age of 21.|fuck it]] [[>> Show him your Wikipedia page to verify that you are 61 years old.|fuck it]] [[>> Apologize and put the beers away. Then tell the cashier you will come back later.|fuck it]]
<<audio MenuGo play>>Fuck it, there’s <span class="spec">NO TIME</span>. You firmly grasp your rack and <span class="spec">SMASH</span> through the automatic door. You sprint back to the Reservoir <<linkappend "to fulfill the prophecy."t8n>> <span class="spec">//“Wassup homies, your boy Scuba Steve is back with the beers.”//</span> (You need to impress these guys if you ever want to get invited to a Walsh party during your college career.) <<linkappend "The dudes inspect your brews:"t8n>> <<if $mikes is true>><span class="spec">//“Mike’s Hard? Oh… Alright, um, thanks.”//</span> You hand Brad the beers and are now ready to <span class="spec">SMOKE THE DRUGS</span>. The guys have been passing around a joint this whole time, and they pass it to you for the [[BIG INHALE.|BIG INHALE]]<<elseif $coors is true>><span class="spec">//“Coors Light? Excellent choice! My cousins and I drank this at my brother’s cremation ceremony!”//</span> You hand Brad the beers and are now ready to <span class="spec">SMOKE THE DRUGS</span>. The guys have been passing around a joint this whole time, and they pass it to you for the [[BIG INHALE.|BIG INHALE]]<<elseif $croix is true>><span class="spec">//“La Croix? Never heard of it, must be some sort of neat microbrew!”//</span> You hand Brad the beers and are now ready to <span class="spec">SMOKE THE DRUGS</span>. The guys have been passing around a joint this whole time, and they pass it to you for the [[BIG INHALE.|BIG INHALE]]<</if>>//<</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio Snoop stop>><<audio Inhale play>>The joint smoke bypasses your protective mustache and enters your <span class="spec">NOSTRILS</span>. You've barely hit it, but you're already feeling pretty <span class="spec"><<linkappend "ZOINKED OUT."t8n>> <<audio Chicken play>><span class="reg">The ground fades away beneath you. It is replaced by an <span class="spec">OVERWHELMING SENSE OF CONNECTEDNESS</span>. <<linkappend "You are one with existence itself."t8n>> Chad and Thad begin to wonder if you’re not <span class="spec">HAVING A SEIZURE</span>, but you pick yourself off the ground and stop choking on your tongue. <<linkappend"You know now that you must return to the woods."t8n>> Brad seems almost sad to see you go: <span class="spec">//“Alright Steve, pleasure doing business with you. Swing by Walsh 420 later if you’re trying to get sluzzed, and try to bring some girls with you.”//</span> [[You bid farewell to your main main B-RAD.]] <</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You enter the woods and begin <<linkappend "wandering around."t8n>> Everything <span class="spec">JUST MAKES SENSE</span> now, and you quickly <<linkappend "walk over to a clearing."t8n>> In the middle of the field you can see the <span class="spec">FLUTIE STATUE</span> as well as a shadowy figure. <<linkappend "Wait, is that..."t8n>> It’s a bird, it’s a pigeon, it’s... <<timed 3s transition>><span class="spec">BALDWIN THE FUCKING EAGLE</span>?!<<audio Baldwin play>><<next>> You think back to the <span class="spec">FEATHERS</span> you saw at the scene of the crime. <<next>>In retrospect, it all seems so <span class="spec">OBVIOUS</span>! <<next>>Baldwin is perched on top of the statue, which is now covered in <span class="spec">EAGLE DROPPINGS</span>. [[Oh, the horror!]]<</timed>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<span class="selectC4"><<set $titlechirp to true>><<audio Title play>><<link [img[title.png]]>><<goto Menu>><</link>></span>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You approach the statue and <<linkappend "yell out to Baldwin:"t8n>> <<replace "#dialogue-bar">><<display "Horror">><</replace>><<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "visible">><</linkappend>>
DIALOGUE OPTIONS: <<linkappend ">> I’m coming out of my cage, and I AM NOT FINE.">> <<goto meance>><<set $cage to true>> <</linkappend>> <<linkappend ">> Looks like I'M on the warpath this time.">><<goto meance>><<set $warpath to true>><</linkappend>> <<linkappend ">> You flew too close to the sun, BITCH.">><<goto meance>><<set $sun to true>><</linkappend>> <<linkappend ">> Time to die, BAD GUY!">><<goto meance>><<set $badguy to true>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "hidden">>Baldwin looks at you menacingly and begins <<linkappend "squawking."t8n>> You assume he’s explaining why he stole the statue and the rest of his evil plan, but you don’t speak <span class="spec"><<linkappend "FUCKING DUMBASS."t8n>> <span class="reg">You take out your <<if $Pelon is true>><span class="spec">EL PELON PUNCHCARD</span><<elseif $gun is true>><span class="spec">HANDGUN</span><<else>><span class="spec">HAIL MARY FOOTBALL</span><</if>> from Martin Jarmond. If there was any time to use it, it would be</span> <span class="spec"><<linkappend "NOW."t8n>> <span class="reg"><<if $Pelon is true>>You wish you had redeemed this for a <span class="spec">FAT BURRITO</span> at some point, but you’re out of options now. You wad up the card and <<linkappend "throw it at Baldwin."t8n>> The card gets caught in an <span class="spec">UPDRAFT</span> and floats away. [[Damn.]]<</linkappend>><<elseif $gun is true>>You cock the <span class="spec">UNREGISTERED FIREARM</span> and aim at that eagle’s oversized eyeballs. (You’ve never actually shot a gun before because you believe in settling every dispute on the <span class="spec">GRIDIRON</span>.) You start to tense up, say screw it, and just <<linkappend "throw the gun at Baldwin."t8n>> It misses and hits the statue, producing a <span class="spec">VISIBLE DENT</span>. [[Damn.]]<</linkappend>><<else>>You lean back and <span class="spec">BOMB</span> the football straight at Baldwin. It <span class="spec">MISSES</span>, but then bounces a few times before <<linkappend "rolling to the stop at his feet."t8n>> [[Damn.]]<</linkappend>><</if>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio Chicken stop>><<audio Gun play>>Suddenly, you hear a loud <span class="spec">BANG</span>. A shot rings out and Baldwin drops to the ground, clutching his chest. What in the <span class="spec">LORD’S NAME</span> is going on?<<timed 4s transition>> Slowly, you see a <span class="spec">CLOAKED FIGURE</span> approach the statue.<<next>> You need to get <span class="spec">CLOSER</span>, so you cling to the underbrush and skirt around the field until the <span class="spec">MAN IN BLACK</span> is in focus. <<next>>That looks like, no, it can't be... Wait, maybe... perhaps... is that...<<next>> [[FATHER LEAHY!!!???|Chapter 6]]<</timed>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You would've really preferred a completed punchcard for <span class="spec"><<linkappend"FLAT BREADS"t8n>> <span class="reg">(the <span class="spec">VASTLY SUPERIOR</span> Comm Ave dining establishment)</span><</linkappend>><span class="reg">, but you're sure this will come in handy somehow.</span> [[You slip the card into your wallet (which is completely empty aside from 20 completed Flat Breads punchcards).|gotRelic]]<<set $Pelon to true>>
<<audio Gun play>><span class="spec"><<linkappend "BANG."t8n>><span class="reg"> You hear the gun go off, but your polo and khakis are still impeccable.</span> <<linkappend "What happened???"t8n>><span class="reg"> You look up and see <span class="spec">BALDWIN</span> pecking at Leahy’s head. He </span><span class="spec"> <<linkappend "SAVED YOU!"t8n>> <span class="reg">Baldwin lets out a <span class="spec">“KA-KAW”</span><<audio Baldwin play>> and continues to bury his talons into Leahy’s cassock. You should thank Baldwin later for this, but you’ll <<linkappend "probably forget."t8n>> You’ve survived, but something feels off... <span class="spec"><<linkappend "YOUR MUSTACHE?"t8n>><span class="reg"> It’s gone.<<timed 2s transition>> Your upper lip is barren. <<next>>Leahy’s bullet must’ve <span class="spec">KNOCKED IT OFF</span>! <<next>>That mustache has been your <span class="spec">BEST FRIEND</span> since you first grew it at the age of 8.<<next>> You are <span class="spec">NOTHING</span> without it.<<next>><span class="spec"> [[THAT BASTARD WILL PAY.]]</span><</timed>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You let out a <span class="spec">ROAR</span> and beat your <span class="spec"><<linkappend "CHEST"t8n>><span class="reg"> (You saw a gorilla do this one time and it looked <span class="spec">VERY COOL</span>)<</linkappend>>.</span> You flex your arms and chest until your entire upper body <<linkappend "swells up."t8n>> <<linkappend "Your belt snaps."t8n>> You feel your polo disintegrate until the sheer might of your <span class="spec"><<linkappend "STRENGTH."t8n>> <span class="reg"><<linkappend "Leahy is done for."t8n>> Your shirtless body charges towards that <span class="spec"><<linkappend "GOOBER."t8n>> <span class="reg">At the same time, he manages to push Baldwin off of him and starts fiddling with some knobs on his wristwatch.</span> <<linkappend "Fucking nerd."t8n>> <span class="reg">You prepare a good insult to say for when you <span class="spec">BEAT THE PULP</span> out of him:<<timed .5s transition>><<replace "#dialogue-bar">><<display "pulp">><</replace>><<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "visible">><</timed>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>/**/
<<audio MenuGo play>><<set document.getElementById("dialogue-bar").style.visibility = "hidden">>Yeah, that sounds pretty <span class="spec"><<linkappend "EPIC."t8n>> <span class="spec">//HOWEVER//<span class="reg">, you realize you thought about the insult for too long and now Leahy is <<linkappend "getting away."t8n>> <span class="spec">//“You won’t catch me this time, you FLACCID football coach!”// <span class="reg"><<linkappend "Rude."t8n>> <span class="reg">Suddenly, a <span class="spec">HELICOPTER</span> flies over the forest and a ladder drops down. Leahy attaches a hook from the copter to the statue and <span class="spec">CLIMBS ON</span>. He sticks his tongue out at you as he <<linkappend "flies away."t8n>> <span class="reg">There’s only one way you can catch that copter: <span class="spec"><<linkappend "BALDWIN."t8n>><<audio Teenage stop>><<audio Baldwin play>> <span class="reg">You jump on his back, slap his ass, and scream <span class="spec"><<linkappend "“FLY!”"t8n>> <span class="reg">You then remember that Baldwin was just <<linkappend "shot. Twice."t8n>> <span class="reg">Jumping on his back may have <span class="spec">BROKEN</span> something. [[OOPS!]]</span><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>The big bird is out of commission and you’re <<linkappend "out of luck."t8n>> The <span class="spec">FLUTIE STATUE</span> is gone. <span class="spec">BALDWIN</span> is incapacitated in a pile of his own feces. <span class="spec">AJ DILLON</span> keeps ghosting your invites to hang out. <<linkappend "You’re all alone."t8n>> Times like this you need... <span class="spec"><<linkappend "A DUDE."t8n>><span class="reg"> You hear a rumble in the distance. The trees start to shake. <<linkappend "What now?"t8n>> <<audio USA play>>It's the <<if $DudeCycle is true>><span class="spec">DUDECYCLE</span><<elseif $DudeCopter is true>><span class="spec">DUDECOPTER</span><<else>><span class="spec">DUDEMOBILE</span><</if>>! <span class="spec"><<linkappend "But HOW?"t8n>> <span class="reg">Your wife made you sell it three months ago. At the time you didn’t know who would respond to Craigslist posting for a <span class="spec">BC FOOTBALL</span>-themed vehicle,</span> <<linkappend "unless…"t8n>> <span class="spec">//“Hey Steve! Hop in! We've got a president to find and a statue to return!”<<timed 3s transition>><span class="reg"> That carefree smile, that abundant confidence, that small frame that kept him from making it in the NFL... </span><<next>><span class="reg">Is it him?</span><<next>><span class="reg"> It is! It’s</span> //[[DOUG FLUTIE.]]//<</timed>> <</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You're in shock that the <span class="spec">//DANCING WITH THE STARS SEASON 22// CELEBRITY</span> has blessed you with his presence in your time of need. You begin to <span class="spec"><<linkappend "TEAR UP."t8n>> <span class="spec">//“Now isn't the time to be getting all emotional,”//<span class="reg"> Flutie says. <span class="spec">//“I've always loved that bronze statue of myself like a brother. We need to get him back, are you in <<linkappend "or what?”"t8n>> <span class="reg">You look Doug in the eyes and forcefully whisper <span class="spec">//“Let’s DUDE this.”//</span> Flutie is <span class="spec"><<linkappend "NOT ENTERTAINED."t8n>> <span class="reg">You hop into the <<if $DudeCycle is true>>DudeCycle<<elseif $DudeCopter is true>>DudeCopter<<else>>DudeMobile<</if>> and make Doug scoot his <span class="spec">FLUTIE BOOTY</span> to the passenger seat. You <span class="spec">PUNCH THE GAS</span> because it’s time to [[PUNCH A PRIEST.]]<</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
DIALOGUE OPTIONS: <<linkappend ">> Where's your God now, cuck?">> <<goto InsultGuy>> <</linkappend>> <<linkappend ">> Who's your daddy, Father?">><<goto InsultGuy>><</linkappend>> <<if $cage is true>><<linkappend ">> I’m coming out of my cage, and I AM NOT FINE.">><<goto InsultGuy>><</linkappend>><<elseif $warpath is true>><<linkappend ">> Looks like I'M on the warpath this time.">><<goto InsultGuy>><</linkappend>><<elseif $sun is true>><<linkappend ">> You flew too close to the sun, BITCH.">><<goto InsultGuy>><</linkappend>><<else>><<linkappend ">> Time to die, BAD GUY!"t8n>><<goto InsultGuy>><</linkappend>><</if>>
The following section is a <span class="cum">PERSONAL, HEARTFELT MESSAGE</span> intended for Steve Addazio and Steve Addazio alone. If you are not Steve Addazio, please [[turn back now.|About]] If you are <span class="cum">ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN</span> that you are Steve Addazio, we've written a little something that [[we'd like you to read.|ToDaz]]
<<audio MenuGo play>><div class="a"><span class="main2">MUSIC CREDITS</span> Most 8-bit remixes by <a href="https://www.youtube.com/user/8BitUniverseMusic" target="_blank">8 Bit Universe</a> <a href="https://kglw8-bit.bandcamp.com/track/deserted-dunes-welcome-weary-feet" target="_blank">"Deserted Dunes Welcome Weary Feet"</a> by KG&TLW <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bh30TR03vLM" target="_blank">"I Wanna Rock"</a> by Twisted Sister <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xqdtu-Wyl-U" target="_blank">"Welcome to the Jungle"</a> by Guns N' Roses <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t30evr-SuD4" target="_blank">"Mr. Blue Sky"</a> by Electric Light Orchestra <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ak5GYF1Cnek" target="_blank">"Enter Sandman"</a> by Metallica <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJsJTSD7NRM" target="_blank">"Where the Hood At?"</a> by DMX <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCoManaaTu0" target="_blank">"Fly Like an Eagle"</a> by the Steve Miller Band <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFpf8-C5UWw" target="_blank">"Seven Nation Army"</a> by The White Stripes <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZDgRTBrcs0" target="_blank">"Back in Black"</a> by AC/DC <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gD8KVKZoYE" target="_blank">"Where Is My Mind?"</a> by Pixies <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3Vm3SnuF8c" target="_blank">"Paint It Black"</a> by The Rolling Stones <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0UNZS8lT4Q" target="_blank">"Livin' on a Prayer"</a> by Bon Jovi <a href="https:" target="_blank">"//The Price Is Right// Theme"</a> by Edd Kalehoff <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qjgu1y-Jlkc" target="_blank">"//Halloween// Theme"</a> by John Carpenter <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d72YHZlQeWc" target="_blank">"Immigrant Song"</a> by Led Zeppelin <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRkBnSbwvk8" target="_blank">"Frolic"</a> by Luciano Michelini <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hM31uF6LTg" target="_blank">"Don't Stop Believin'"</a> by Journey <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kto4CmQgDu0" target="_blank">"The Next Episode"</a> by Dr. Dre <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFBhLG-m6mk" target="_blank">"Chicken Dance"</a> by Werner Thomas <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYlzC8nA_8o" target="_blank">"Born in the U.S.A."</a> by Bruce Springsteen <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgyTfzccGDc" target="_blank">"Baba O'Riley"</a> by The Who <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUVMQmO933U" target="_blank">"Mr. Brightside"</a> by The Killers <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNU_-UdCZKc" target="_blank">"For Boston"</a> by Dropkick Murphys </div><span class = "main"><div class="a">[[•BACK•|Menu]]</div></span><<set $AboutBack to true>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You’re closing in on <<linkappend "Leahy’s trail."t8n>> His copter is heading straight towards <span class="spec">CAMPUS</span>! <<linkappend "You just need to get a little closer..."t8n>> Wait a second... you've totally forgotten how to <span class="spec"><<linkappend "OPERATE THIS THING!"t8n>> <span class="reg">You were supposed to get your certification back in 2013, but <span class="spec">MEN’S WAREHOUSE</span> was having a <span class="spec">BOGO</span> sale on <span class="spec">KHAKIS</span> and you <<linkappend "couldn’t afford to miss it."t8n>> Flutie <span class="spec">SIGHS</span> and then takes over the controls. <span class="spec">//“Alright Steve, we're almost there!// <<linkappend "//Get ready to jump!”//"t8n>><span class="reg"> You're not exactly sure <span class="spec">WHY</span> you're jumping out, but it sounds [[PRETTY DAMN COOL.]]<</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You throw open the door. It's time to face your <span class="spec"><<linkappend"SEMI-IRONIC FEAR OF HEIGHTS!"t8n>> <span class="reg">Just as you're about to jump, Leahy looks back at you and rips a <span class="spec">ROSARY</span> off of his neck. <span class="spec"><<linkappend"WEIRD!"t8n>> <span class="reg"></span><span class="spec">//“Steve! Go now! Whatever you do,// <<linkappend "//don’t look back!”//"t8n>><span class="reg"> You look back at Doug and give him a goodbye kiss.<<audio Smooch play>> You jump out onto <span class="spec">LINDEN LANE</span> just as Leahy presses a button on the cross and throws it <span class="spec"><<linkappend "RIGHT AT FLUTIE!"t8n>> <span class="reg">The <span class="spec">ROSARY</span> hits the <<if $DudeCycle is true>>DudeCycle<<elseif $DudeCopter is true>>DudeCopter<<else>>DudeMobile<</if>> and <span class="spec">EXPLODES</span><<audio explode play>>! Flutie makes a crash landing on Bapst Lawn and your former ride explodes in a <span class="spec">BLAZE OF GLORY</span>. You sure hope Doug was wearing his <<linkappend "flame-retardant football jersey."t8n>> [[Those exist, right?]] <</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><span class="spec">//“You won’t //GET AWAY// with this!”//</span> You desperately shout at Leahy, briefly forgetting that the <span class="spec">CATHOLIC CHURCH</span> has an extensive history of <span class="spec"><<linkappend "GETTING AWAY WITH THINGS."t8n>> <span class="reg">Leahy jumps out of his helicopter and lands on top of the <span class="spec">GASSON EAGLE</span>. He waves the copter off and it <<linkappend "flies away."t8n>> <span class="spec">//“I’m sorry Steve, but this was divine intervention. I had to do this.”//</span><<timed 3s transition>> You were too busy looking at that <span class="spec">COOL FIRE</span> from the crashed vehicle, you didn’t really hear Leahy.<<next>> What did he say? Something about a <span class="spec">DIVING INTERCEPTION</span>?<<next>> <span class="spec">HELL YEAH</span>. He knows how to [[get your attention.]]<</timed>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>Leahy looks like he’s about to <span class="spec">BLAB</span>. Do you want to listen to him <span class="spec"><<linkappend "EXPLAIN HIS EVIL PLAN?"t8n>> <span class="reg"><<linkreplace ">> Sure. You’ve wasted enough time to get this far, why stop now?" t8n>><<remove #skipit>><<audio MenuGo play>><span class="spec">//“Last night the ghost of Saint Ignatius of Loyola came to me <<linkappend "in a dream."t8n>> <span class="spec">He was filled with anguish, regret, and concern, and he warned me that we are all worshipping</span> <<linkappend "false idols."t8n>><span class="spec"> I knew this meant I had to get rid of the Flutie Statue.</span> <<timed 2s transition>><<linkreplace "//>> An interesting introduction... What next?//"t8n>><<remove #skipit2>><span class="spec">//“I woke up and immediately made some <<linkappend "phone calls."t8n>> <span class="spec">That little snowflake //JARMOND// said we couldn’t get rid of the statue because it was ‘important to <<linkappend "campus morale.’"t8n>> <span class="spec">You'd think by now he would've caught on to how things work here in Chestnut Hill!”</span> <<timed 2s transition>> //[[>> Okay, makes sense so far...|>> Fair enough...]]// [[>> You've heard enough of this crap.|skeep]]//<</timed>> <</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkreplace>> <span id="skipit2">//[[>> He's explaining his dreams to you? Hard pass.|skeep]]//</span> <</timed>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkreplace>> <span id="skipit">[[>> No way! You've heard enough Leahy speeches already.|skeep]]</span></span><</linkappend>>
<<audio USA stop>><<audio MenuGo play>><<if $listen is true>>That was the worst <span class="spec">HALFTIME SPEECH</span> you’ve ever heard.<<else>>This <span class="spec">QUEST</span> has gone on long enough.<</if>> You won’t stand for this <span class="spec"><<linkappend "ANY LONGER!"t8n>> <span class="reg">You’re not just a <span class="spec"><<linkappend "CHUMP,"t8n>><span class="reg"> or a <span class="spec"><<linkappend "DIMWIT,"t8n>> <span class="reg">or a <<linkappend "mediocre college football coach."t8n>> <span class="reg"> You’re <span class="spec"><<linkappend "Steve FUCKING Addazio."t8n>><<audio Brightside play>> <<linkappend "THE ULTIMATE DUDE!"t8n>> <span class="reg">You feel the <span class="spec">TESTOSTERONE</span> run through your veins as you flex your muscles and let out a <span class="spec"><<linkappend "HYPERMASCULINE ROAR."t8n>><span class="reg"> A roar so strong you feel your upper lip <span class="spec"><<linkappend "TREMBLE."t8n>> <span class="reg">Your <span class="spec">MUSTACHE</span> is <span class="spec">BACK</span>! Every true <span class="spec">DUDE</span> can grow one on command.<<timed 2.6s transition>> [[Now, it's time to DEFEAT THIS PRIEST!|Now, it's time to GET THAT STATUE!]]<</timed>> <span class="spec"></span><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><span class="spec">//“At the //ASS-CRACK// of dawn we flew over to Alumni and <<linkappend "picked up the statue."t8n>> <span class="spec">I scattered some eagle feathers around the crime scene to frame Baldwin, but you somehow overlooked such an <<linkappend "obvious clue."t8n>><span class="spec"> Meanwhile, I abducted Baldwin and hid him and the Statue near the Res while I waited for Phase 2 of my master plan.</span> <<timed 3s transition>> <<linkreplace ">> A “Master Plan?” Go on..."t8n>><<remove #skipit2>><span class="spec">“//Phase 2, in case you were wondering, <<linkappend "begins now."t8n>><span class="spec"> I'm going to melt down the Statue, sell the bronze to some racist Russian oil czars, and donate the money to <<linkappend "pro-life activists."t8n>><span class="spec"> Pretty nuanced, don't you think?</span> <<timed 3s transition>> <<linkreplace ">> Maybe a little much, but it is something he'd do."t8n>><span class="spec"><<remove #skop>>//“But I'm guessing you want to know the //REAL// reason why I've <<linkappend "stolen the Statue."t8n>><span class="spec"> It's simple, really: you've been <<linkappend "ignoring me, Steve."t8n>> <span class="spec"> I call, I email, I even learned how to send text messages, all just to <<linkappend "get closer to you."t8n>> <<set $listen to true>><span class="spec">“My methods may be extreme, but I finally have your attention. [[There's nothing you can do to save your precious Statue now!”|skeep]]</span><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkreplace>> <span id="skop">[[>> You've heard enough of this malarkey!|skeep]]</span><</timed>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkreplace>> <span id="skipit2">[[>> “Master Plan?” Grandpa seems to be babbling.|skeep]]</span><</timed>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>Just then, you see Leahy's copter <<linkappend "flying down Comm Ave."t8n>> <<audio explode play>>Suddenly its blades are struck by some <span class="spec">FOOTBALL-SHAPED OBJECT</span>. The vehicle spirals out of control and crashes! Was that... <span class="spec"><<linkappend "A FOOTBALL?"t8n>> <span class="spec">//“Looks like I still got it!”//</span> <span class="reg">Doug Flutie emerges from the wreck covered in <span class="spec">THIRD DEGREE BURNS</span>. <span class="spec"><<linkappend "HE SURVIVED!"t8n>> <span class="reg">Leahy looks <span class="spec"><<linkappend "PISSED."t8n>> <span class="spec">“DAMN! //Without the transport copter, my Statue-swiping plan is all but// <<linkappend "THWARTED!"t8n>> <span class="spec">//Time to beat it, I'll be back with a new evil plot in// <<linkappend "DazQuest 2: Journey to the Center of the Fish Field House!”//"t8n>> <span class="reg">Oh no, there's <span class="spec">NO WAY</span> you'd ever play through a sequel to this <span class="spec"><<linkappend "BLOATED MESS OF A MONDAY."t8n>> <span class="reg">It's time to stop Leahy and finish this, [[ONCE AND FOR ALL!]]</span> <</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio Brightside stop>><<audio MenuGo play>>/*<div><span class="copy">Scroll down for VICTORY at 15 points</span></div>*/<div><iframe src="https://flappycreator.com/flappy.php?id=5bbbf5a53424b"></iframe> [[>> You've scored 10 points!|Stop playing2]]</div>
<<audio 4Boston play>><<audio MenuGo play>>You <span class="spec">NAIL</span> Leahy right in the dome. <span class="spec"><<linkappend "TOUCHDOWN, BOSTON COLLEGE!"t8n>> <span class="reg">Leahy goes down <span class="spec">HARD</span>, and it doesn't look like he'll be getting up anytime soon. You <span class="spec"><<linkappend "DID IT!"t8n>> <span class="reg">You give a quick dial to the <span class="spec">BCPD NON-EMERGENCY NUMBER</span> to tell them about about Leahy and the <span class="spec"><<linkappend "STOLEN STATUE."t8n>> <span class="reg">They inform you they're already in the process of retrieving the Statue from the wreckage and they thank you for all your <span class="spec"> <<linkappend "HARD WORK."t8n>> <span class="reg">You should probably also let <span class="spec">MARTIN JARMOND</span> know about how things turned out, but you've got [[BETTER THINGS TO DO.|almost]]</span> <</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>Flutie pitches another <span class="spec">FOOTBALL</span> over to you. <span class="spec">//“It's a simple shot, Daz. Aim right for the// <<linkappend "HEAD!”"t8n>> <span class="reg">Leahy is <span class="spec">GETTING AWAY</span>! You stroke your newborn mustache once for <span class="spec">GOOD LUCK</span> and <<linkappend "take aim."t8n>> Time to [[MAKE THIS THROW COUNT!]]<</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>>The two of your hobble down to Lower Campus and find yourself in front of <span class="spec">WALSH HALL</span> in all its <span class="spec"><<linkappend "“GLORY.”"t8n>> <span class="reg">You and Doug make your way to <span class="spec">ROOM 420</span> and <<linkappend "knock on the door."t8n>> Your new sophomore friends <span class="spec">BRAD</span>, <span class="spec">CHAD</span>, and <span class="spec">THAD</span> open the door and shout, <span class="spec">//“It’s Scuba Steve!// <<linkappend "HELL YEAH!”"t8n>> <span class="reg">Chad is looking a little disappointed. <span class="spec"> //“Oh, you didn’t bring any girls... wait, who’s your// <<linkappend "FRIEND?”"t8n>> <span class="spec">//“I'm Doug Flu-”//</span> <<timed 2.3s transition>><span class="spec">//“Alright whatever, just come on in.”//</span> <<next>><span class="reg"><span class="spec">FINALLY</span>! You saved the day, and now it's time to boogie down at your first-ever <span class="spec">WALSH PARTY</span>. <<next>><span class="reg">Looks like Mondays can sometimes be [[PRETTY FREAKIN' TIGHT.]]</span><</timed>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<div><img src="End.png" alt=""/> [[•MAIN MENU•|Menu]]</div>
<<audio MenuGo play>>You reunite with your <span class="spec">MAIN MAN FLUTIE</span> and exchange the most <span class="spec">EPIC</span> high five in <<linkappend "Boston College history."t8n>> <span class="spec">//“Holy crap Steve, congrats! You saved my statue and the Football program. You'll probably get to keep your job for way too long now! What do you say we go to Mary Ann’s and I buy you a drink// <<linkappend "TO CELEBRATE?”"t8n>> <span class="reg">Hmm... his offer of a free <<if $coors is true>><span class="spec">COORS LIGHT</span><<elseif $croix is true>><span class="spec">LA CROIX</span><<else>><span class="spec">MIKE'S HARD</span><</if>> does sound enticing, but you have <<linkappend "other plans."t8n>> <span class="spec">//“Come with me Doug, [[there's a few people I'd like you to meet.”]]//</span><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><span class = "retro">You look up from your game and are greeted by the lush lawns of <span class = "spec">LOWER CAMPUS</span>. You are a disturbingly talented <span class="spec"><<linkappend "DISTRACTED DRIVER!"t8n>> <span class="reg">You think you might have heard something under the car go <span class="spec">“THUD”</span> a few minutes ago, but <<linkappend "you don't need to worry about things like that."t8n>> You're a <span class="spec">MULTI-MILLIONAIRE</span>, <span class="spec"><<linkappend "REMEMBER?"t8n>> <span class="reg">You cruise down Campanella Way all the way to your <span class="spec">PRIVATE PARKING SPOT</span> outside Yawkey Athletics Center. <<linkappend "You exit the Subaru."t8n>> <<audio eagle stop>><<audio DMX stop>><<audio Metallica stop>><<audio CarDoor play>>Baldwin is having difficulty <span class="spec">UNLOCKING THE PASSENGER SIDE DOOR</span>, so you walk over and do it for him. You tell him that he's on his own now and that you <span class ="spec">NEVER LOVED HIM.</span> He sheepishly <<linkappend "exits the car and flaps away."t8n>> You walk into <span class="spec">YAWKEY</span> and take the elevator to the fourth floor. It's currently <span class="spec">11:46 AM</span> and you're just now getting into the office. [[You hate Mondays.|Chapter 3]]<</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>><</linkappend>>
<<audio MenuGo play>><span class="spec">//“No can do, Coach! Mr. Jarmond made you get a GPS-enabled microchip implant last November after you missed your 6th home game of the season, <<linkappend "remember?”"t8n>> <span class="reg">You actually <span class="spec">FORGOT</span> about this, but it explains why you've been emitting a <span class="spec">HIGH-PITCHED BEEPING NOISE</span> from your abdomen every 4 hours <<linkappend "for the past 11 months."t8n>> Previously, you were under the impression that you were going through <span class="spec">SECOND PUBERTY</span>.<</linkappend>><</linkappend>>