The New England Classic
What To Do When Your Parents Sexile You On Parents’ Weekend
CHESTNUT HILL, MA — Parents’ Weekend can be a very stressful time for both students and their parents. You may find that it’s hard to readjust to your parents after being away from home for so long. Your parents will probably find it’s difficult to not just rip off... Read more
5 DILFs You’ll Meet During Parents’ Weekend
Parents’ Weekend is a special time of year. The football game gets everyone’s spirits up, the weather is still nice and temperate, and seeing family is always something special. But let’s not forget what it’s really all about: ass. Hot Dad Ass. Sorry Mom, can’t talk right now, I... Read more
CSOM Student Has Business Casual Sex
STAYER HALL — Carroll School of Management junior Dan Tribbiani reportedly engaged in business casual sex Saturday night. The hookup began at a Career Center event in Mod 12A. Upon arrival, Tribbiani hoped to improve his employment prospects and also maybe fuck. Once inside, he connected with Jessica Lange (CSOM... Read more
Health Services To Begin Inserting Tiny Crucifixes In Place of IUDs
2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE — In a stunning and unprecedented leap into the pool of twenty-first century healthcare, University Health Services has decided to hop on board with the reproductive rights movement that began almost exactly 57 years ago on May 9, 1960, when the FDA approved the first birth control... Read more
Professor Spent Snow Day Worrying About Students Fucking
CHESTNUT HILL, MA — Driven by the thought of all the opportunities kids were having to copulate, Professor Harry Bonin spent most of his day off on Tuesday in a state of complete distraction. The elderly philosophy professor, who has long taken a firm stance against college hookup cultures,... Read more
“Eat, Drink, Talk, Kink”: Lower Unveils BDSM-Themed Valentine’s Menu
KINKERAN COMMONS — Going against hundreds of years of rigid Church doctrine, Boston College Dining Services cooked up some controversy on Tuesday morning by announcing a special menu for Valentine’s Day. Catering to the most heathenous members of the BC community, the aptly named “Eat, Drink, Talk, Kink” program will... Read more
“Everyone’s Sick Cause Everyone’s Kissin’,” Reports University Health Services
2150 COMMONWEALTH AVENUE — Noting a drastic increase in students with cold and flu symptoms in the past week, University Health Services performed an extensive data analysis and came to the conclusion that “everyone’s sick cause everyone’s kissin’.” Laboratory tests on samples from several infected people confirmed what health... Read more
University Counseling Services Offering Thanksgiving Break-Up Hotline
GASSON HALL — Acutely aware that it’s a perilous time of year for many doe-eyed freshmen still clinging onto their long-distance relationships with high school sweethearts, Boston College’s University Counseling Services is offering a 24/7 hotline open from November 25th until November 29th for any first-year student that may... Read more
Notre Dame Struggling to Find Single-Sex Hotel in Boston
FENWAY — Ranked 5th in the country and boasting a 9-1 record, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish are having an outstanding football season. Most sportscasters have Notre Dame crushing the Boston College Eagles in their upcoming matchup on the hallowed grounds of Fenway Park. Unfortunately, the boys from South... Read more