Conte Skate Turns Into The 78th Annual Hunger Games

CONTE FORUM — Last night, Boston College packed Conte once more. This time, however, it wasn’t Will Smith on the ice, no sir, it was the normal, worthless students. Conte Skate was back!

But something was wrong – the Nut was packed and it became apparent that there simply wouldn’t be enough ice for everyone. Watching from the Capital of administration, Father Leahy looked down upon the commoners. He knew what must be done. He called his head Gamemaker aka the most fun, most efficient, and most well-respected organization on campus: CAB. 

It was reported that within an instant, Conte was transformed into an Arctic arena like an icy version of Duchesne East.

“Welcome to the first annual Skunger Games!” came over the arena speakers, said eyewitnesses.

“Skunger Games? What the hell kind of name is the Skunger Games?” said Firsto Dye (CSON ’27), a Kosta freshman eager to impress her friends with her amateur figure skating ability. She was nervous, but excited to use her minor in Bowhunting. Firsto was found dead after attempting a pirouette as soon as the games started. 

Weapons of the dead littered the ground. Bent plastic knives scattered the floor, unable to pierce the flesh of literally anything. Long Island CSOMers formed an alliance, vowing to wipe out any and all students with less than 400 LinkedIn Connections. 

The audience watched in awe and horror. Dressed in Vuori and Lulu, New Jersey Moms sent gifts to their babies, urging them to fight on. The luckiest contestants received Rat Bagels, while the less fortunate individuals were sent extremely close photos of Bill O’Brien’s chin – a glimpse of what they were fighting for.

The Skunger Games raged on through the night. Cannons were fired, the ice turned red, and the competition finally carved out the final two contestants.

“HELL YES. THIS IS WHAT I WAS BORN FOR,” said Matt Sivprik (CSOM ‘24). “I’ve always said that no one who wasn’t recruited AT LEAST D2 doesn’t deserve to even TOUCH Conte ice. Plus, I’ve always wanted to stab someone with my skate.” 

The other finalist was Tommy Castellanos (LSOE ’26), of course. Instead of anyone attacking him, they simply bowed down. When asked why he came to Conte Skate, Castellanos said, “I wanted to support my many friends in CAB! Love those guys, they do a really great job.” 

“Tommy, my petit prince, I’ll never let you lose!” said Sivprik. “But there is no way I’m not skating tonight. Why don’t we just do the same thing as they did in that movie?” Sivprik pulled out a raw piece of Roasted Statler from his pocket. 

“My NIL deal says I’m not allowed to die, so how about you skate on one half, and I skate on the other?” said Tommy. Sivprik agreed. The carnage was over, and Chestnut Hill lay quiet once again. 

But allegedly Sivprik got hungry. He was found dead on the ice 15 minutes later.

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