Fr. Leahy To Offer Exorcisms To The Sick
ST. IGNATIUS CHURCH — In response to a surge in COVID-19 testing prices by the Broad Institute, Father Leahy has decided to team up with God to offer BC students a more cost-effective alternative. It is a two-fold plan emphasizing the fundamentals of health: diet and exorcism.
To avoid being condemned to the purgatory that is Hotel Boston, one can now opt to be exorcised by a highly coveted freelance priest. Father Jude Hass, also known by his Craiglist username “ufo_believer,” has already expelled some students’ inner demons at St. Ignatius. His unique technique entails spraying their faces with Holy Water—drawn straight from the Chestnut Hill Reservoir—until they cry.
Dae Monic (MCAS ’23) was among the first to receive an exorcism this year. After he projectile vomited while moshing to “Slob On My Knob” with his Walsh quad, he suspected something might be wrong.
Monic reflected candidly on the experience, “I didn’t end up having the virus, but just like the Four Loko, that shit cleaned me out. Lots of stuff resurfaced—turns out Jesus and I have a couple of things in common, like mad daddy issues.”
As part of this new plan, Agape Latte is also set to host student sacrifices at the Gasson bell tower. The group has promoted these rituals by fiercely chucking pastel yellow flyers and espresso beans at fellow passersby. While sipping on a good ol’ cup of joe, members of the BC community will be able to say a final goodbye to some of their own and blissfully watch as the COVID-19 dashboard numbers drop.
Leahy has high hopes that all of these activities will ward away Mass. Governor Charlie Baker and, in his words, “those asshole Newton residents on Facebook.”
To further ensure university safety, students may also qualify for an exorcism if they identify with any of the following blasphemous categories:
- J-names other than “Jesus”
- The sexually active
- Women (especially in CSOM)
- Yoga instructors
- Imagine Dragons fans
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