Desperate Sophomore Places Work Order For GPA
O’NEILL 5 — On Sunday evening, sophomore Quinn Lucas was found convulsing in the fetal position on the fourth floor of O’Neill Library. Next to him were two accounting textbooks, a stack of diagrams on the earth’s layers, and the work-order interface open on his laptop.
“The maintenance crew came to our 8-man and fixed our garbage disposal the other day,” Lucas said. “At this point, if they looked at my grades, they probably wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.”
According to his friends, he was preparing for a week of four midterms and they hadn’t seen him the entire weekend. With that on horizon, Lucas appeared to be desperate for a solution.
“I’ve tried coffee, Adderall, and I think guzzling Red Bull has given me an ulcer. This work order is my last shot before I drop out and skip town.”
Patty Benson, head of the Work Order Center, told The Classic this is not a rare case. “We get a lot of requests like this in the weeks leading up to spring break. There are a lot of exams and projects due. I don’t know why they think we can help them. Normally we can’t even fix a lightbulb.”
At press time, a member of the Work Order Center was seen confusedly holding a hammer and a transcript.