Ivy League Who? We Ranked The Top Colleges In America And Put BC First!
College ranking lists come out every fall, so it’s the perfect time to scroll through your Facebook and think “weird brag, dude” when some guy you went to high school with shares that his school is now “Ranked #35 in small-to-medium-sized sub-Saharan African zoology programs in the lower Midwest!”
We at The New England Classic believe nothing is done until it’s overdone, so we have decided to create our own empirically correct and 98% organic list of the top universities that are almost as good as Boston College. Bet you can’t wait to find out what’s number one!
10. Brown University
Located in sleepy, crime-ridden Providence, Rhode Island’s Boston College makes the bottom of our list. Its student body is filled with marijuana-using hippies, they don’t even have real majors, and their mascot isn’t even an eagle. What about it could possibly justify a $65,000 a-year tuition?
9. Duke University
Duke University? More like Puke University. Enough said.
8. University of Pennsylvania
In addition to being the alma mater of overbearing fathers around the country, UPenn also resides in a truly dismal state. Pennsylvania has been home to only one U.S. president, a president who essentially started the Civil War… Who’d want to go there?
7. California Institute of Technology
The California Institute of Technology, or “Shittier MIT”, is truly a stain on this list of would-be Boston Colleges. Once this technology fad blows over, CalTech students will really be wishing they had picked a school without an engineering program.
6. Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Any school with a long enough name to require abbreviation is hardly worth the all the effort it takes to apply, and M-I-O-T is no exception. What kind of self respecting school allows itself to get referred to by just a few letters?
5. Princeton University
Princeton, one of the oldest colleges in the nation, is also now home to one of the oldest bitches in the nation. Yup, that’s right, its Heather, that stupid girl from your APUSH class that got a worse score on the SAT but still somehow managed to get in. Also, eagles are consistently proven to beat tigers every time.
4. Yale University
Your chances of getting shot in New Haven are almost as good as your chances of meeting someone at Yale whose “dad (or grandfather or uncle or brother) was a Whiffenpouf”—whatever the hell that means.
3. Stanford University
Let’s be honest, the “Stanford Prison Experiment” might as well be describing campus life at this depressingly precipitation-free school. Plus, the head football coach’s head isn’t nearly as shiny as Steve Addazio’s.
2. Harvard University
Coming in at a far, far second is the Boston College of Cambridge, Harvard University. What kind of school calls itself a university when it actually is one? Harvard College is neither a college, nor in Boston.
1. Boston College
Ladies and gentlemen, the results are in and Boston College is the greatest school in America, and, dare we say it, the entire world! Eagles on the warpath, hoo, ha! We’re not exactly surprised given the beautiful buildings, foxy Jesuits, and alienation of the handicapped, but damn are we proud. Go Eags!