Fashionably Late Freshman Third Person At Party
RUBENSTEIN HALL — After buttoning the last button of his fine poly-cotton blend shirt at approximately 8:24 p.m. in his Keyes South double, Arnold Pellegrini (MCAS ‘20) was spotted making his way to the Newton bus with a cool, collected confidence that he hadn’t experienced since high school, when he actually had a consistent friend group. “I was on top of the world,” reported Pellegrini, who was heading to a registered Word Of Mouth party in Rubenstein. “I had just read a Buzzfeed list on college party advice, and I was ready to kill it and make sweaty, drunken memories with this eclectic group of kids that all do the same activity.”
Little did he know, explained Pellegrini, that upon returning to his room at 2:00 a.m., he would be mortified and fertilize his pillow with tears following accidental subjugation to severe emotional trauma. “I knocked on the door at 9:36 p.m., six minutes after the start time on the Facebook event, fully expecting to walk into a crowded room, be handed an ice-cold PBR by two or three beautiful women, and seamlessly insert myself into a conversation.” Despite his idealized expectations, Pellegrini was greeted by a disgruntled Robert Schwarmp (CSOM ‘17), who was wearing sweatpants and slowly cleaning up his six-man apartment in preparation for the evening’s guests.
Schwarmp, a four-year member of Word Of Mouth and its current president, reported that he allowed the wide-eyed Pellegrini to wander into the kitchen, where two of his other roommates were dipping chips in a jar of spicy queso, still wearing their towels after their showers. Pellegrini explained that he stood relatively silent in the kitchen for twenty minutes, until a handful of guests arrived. The party began to warm up, and Pellegrini acknowledged that he ended up having a “pretty good time, despite the initial devastation.”
In retrospect, Pellegrini says that he should have seen his embarrassment coming. “I was so naive. I should have waited thirty minutes, that’s the Golden Rule of college parties! It’s not late enough to be considered rude, but it’s still late enough for the party to be nearing full swing when you show up! It’s already been a long and emotional week, I can’t believe I did this to myself.”
At press time, Pellegrini was bragging about his night in Stuart, where he conveniently left out the first hour of his night and skipped immediately to his drunken rendition of “Closer.”