Facebook Adds New Relationship Option For College Thing Stuck Helplessly Between Dating And Hooking Up
SILICON VALLEY — At a press conference earlier this afternoon, Mark Zuckerberg announced that Facebook would be “addressing the changing romantic needs of its valued collegiate users” by adding the options for college couples—sorry, didn’t mean to put a label on it—to select “College Thing Hopelessly Stuck Between Dating and Hooking Up” as an official relationship option.
“We noticed a stark decline in the amount of college students making their relationships Facebook official. And I thought to myself, ‘What gives? It can’t be that college students don’t want to share every aspect of their personal lives online. I was stumped,” said Zuckerberg while stepping around in his trademark combination of running shoes and jeans behind the podium.
“But after endless hours of crunching the numbers, we got it!” continued Zuckerberg. He explained that the data suggested that college students, while they desire relationships, are often nauseatingly busy. This predicament causes them to opt for hooking up fairly consistently—maybe even going on the occasional date—instead of entering committed, long-term relationships because the former, while potentially messy, is far more “convenient and realistic.”
Some Boston College Eagles think Zuckerberg hit the nail right on the head (piercing their fragile hearts):
“Ha! That’s too real, bro. That’s way too real,” confessed Carl Sandman (MCAS ‘17), laughing as he closed out of Tinder on his phone, then bit into a heaping spoonful of The Rat’s always sumptuous Thursday mac n’ cheese.
“Story of my life! It reminds of when I was with Chaz two months ago, or when I was screwing José last year. Am I crying? Ha! I’m not crying. Stop this interview, I’m leaving,” murmured Molly Adair (Lynch ‘16), obviously trying not to spew tears everywhere.
However, not all Eagles seemed to see the point of Facebook’s move:
“Poor bastards,” said Hannah Anderson (CSOM ‘19), “stuck in their unfulfilling romantic purgatory. Relationships are a sacrifice of emotion and time, sure. But it’s possible. How do I know? I am in a relationship with my high school sweetheart, whom I will undoubtedly marry! We’ve already made it three months into freshman year—college has got nothing on us!”
At press time, we’re sure you’ll find that one special person, someday, maybe. Maybe not, though.